I have decided to start my blog again, and at the end of this week, I will be adding some more things to it. I want to reach some pretty high milestones this year, and dwelling in the pain of this past year is not quite worth the stress and time. I must move on. My mother will still be gone tomorrow, and my daughter will be here instead. This is for Tesla. Love to all!
Something I like about myself:
I know how to be motivated when the time is right.
Something I do well:
I am an exceptional audiologist, and I am proud of it.
Something that went well today:
Today I acquired three beautiful orchids for my office; Audrey, Seymour, and Schlargen Flargen Dixon-Smith. They are my indoor garden!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to see a coworker I have not seen in a week, and I anticipate that a source of stress at work will be eliminated imminently.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
A Thought
"Traditionally, suicide risk has been thought to increase at the time of
diagnosis and during the early stages of dementia, when patients have
fears of future physical and mental decline and concerns about burdening
their families emotionally and financially."
I love you, mom.
I love you, mom.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
5/10/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am strong when dealing with things that are uncomfortable.
Something I do well:
I can bathe my baby in the sink one-handed!
Something that went well today:
Today I learned a bit more about my mom's last few weeks and it solidified that she resolved to end her life long before I could have done something about it.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will have survived another day. And my mother in law is coming into town - it should be a good visit.
I am strong when dealing with things that are uncomfortable.
Something I do well:
I can bathe my baby in the sink one-handed!
Something that went well today:
Today I learned a bit more about my mom's last few weeks and it solidified that she resolved to end her life long before I could have done something about it.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will have survived another day. And my mother in law is coming into town - it should be a good visit.
Monday, May 9, 2016
5/9/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am a professional person.
Something I do well:
I can answer the door with a baby in one arm and still look relatively awake and sane.
Something that went well today:
Today I didn't have to break the news to a lot of people; one person I called already knew. It was such a blessing to have that reprieve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will hopefully have more answers.
I am a professional person.
Something I do well:
I can answer the door with a baby in one arm and still look relatively awake and sane.
Something that went well today:
Today I didn't have to break the news to a lot of people; one person I called already knew. It was such a blessing to have that reprieve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will hopefully have more answers.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
5/8/2016
Something I like about myself:I am... strong in the face of adversity.
Something I do well:
I am good at being diplomatic when experiencing extreme trauma.
Something that went well today:
Today I had several visitors. As an introvert this kind of thing horrifies me. But I handled all the hustle and bustle well, I think.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is not Mothers' Day.
Something I do well:
I am good at being diplomatic when experiencing extreme trauma.
Something that went well today:
Today I had several visitors. As an introvert this kind of thing horrifies me. But I handled all the hustle and bustle well, I think.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is not Mothers' Day.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
5/7/2016
Hello, all!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Readers, I have tragic news.
My mother committed suicide on the 5th. Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news. My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby. I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.
I am in absolute shock. I don't feel like saying anything positive. I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness. I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week. For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me. For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me. I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her. I got no answer.
And I knew. I fucking knew it. Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then? Why didn't I call on Monday? Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?
Just...why?
For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations.
Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.
Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.
Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died. I didn't flip out.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death. My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones. Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.
So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Readers, I have tragic news.
My mother committed suicide on the 5th. Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news. My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby. I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.
I am in absolute shock. I don't feel like saying anything positive. I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness. I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week. For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me. For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me. I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her. I got no answer.
And I knew. I fucking knew it. Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then? Why didn't I call on Monday? Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?
Just...why?
For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations.
Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.
Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.
Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died. I didn't flip out.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death. My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones. Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.
So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.
Friday, May 6, 2016
5/6/2016
Hello, all!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Something I like about myself:
I have fabulous breasts. And now they're functional!
Something I do well:
I am apparently really good at making freezer meals. I had never done that before I got a wild hair up my ass last week that said, "MAKE FREEZER MEALS." Yes, omnipotent, strange voice!
Something that went well today:
My sister and brother-in-law are in town from Winnipeg to see the baby. I am hoping that we will not get the baby sick with our outings. She is absolutely perfect, I couldn't ask for more - we just need to keep her healthy as long as possible. I would just be beside myself if she got sick from any visitors or because I left the house.
BUT, we went to the bookstore and got some great ones to add to the children's collection in our home library!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that I get to spend with my child in my arms and my husband on my lap. It's complete bliss. I love it. And yes, all the pain and terror and fear? Completely worth it. :)
Our baby Tesla-Saurus!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Something I like about myself:
I have fabulous breasts. And now they're functional!
Something I do well:
I am apparently really good at making freezer meals. I had never done that before I got a wild hair up my ass last week that said, "MAKE FREEZER MEALS." Yes, omnipotent, strange voice!
Something that went well today:
My sister and brother-in-law are in town from Winnipeg to see the baby. I am hoping that we will not get the baby sick with our outings. She is absolutely perfect, I couldn't ask for more - we just need to keep her healthy as long as possible. I would just be beside myself if she got sick from any visitors or because I left the house.
BUT, we went to the bookstore and got some great ones to add to the children's collection in our home library!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that I get to spend with my child in my arms and my husband on my lap. It's complete bliss. I love it. And yes, all the pain and terror and fear? Completely worth it. :)
Our baby Tesla-Saurus!
Thursday, April 28, 2016
4/28/2016
Something I like about myself:
I like french toast. Mmmm.
Something I do well:
I am fairly flexible - even when I'm 41 weeks pregnant! I painted my toenails today - it was a feat, but I did it, they're beautiful.
Something that went well today:
At this point, any day that I can get out of bed is a feat. I almost wet the bed this morning, no joke. I have been tied to the couch for most of the day, simply because I am exhausted. It feels almost like MS fatigue, I am praying it's just because of this cold/pregnancy rhinitis/whatever, I've had a cough all night/day, throat pain as well from mucus. I'm just generally run down. So getting up to pain my nails was a great accomplishment! I also was able to get rid of the bags of clothes for donation out of my living room, so it's pretty clean.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I start the induction process. To be honest, I'm terrified. I hate pain and they're going to have to put gel on my cervix - which means someone will have to touch my hoo-ha. I don't know if any woman ever has an experience with the OB (or people of the like) and doesn't feel like it's total torture, but I know I do. I'm very anxious.
Since I was a kid, pregnancy has scared me. Not just because of the "life is changing forever" thing, but because I used to dream that I would die in childbirth. So, seeing as that's happening this weekend whether I'm ready or not, I'm very scared.
I hate that there's already a "mommy war" going on inside my head. I have let so many women stray me from the original plan - - so much so, that I actually feel guilty for being induced. Guilty, at 41 weeks + 4 days, of induction. That's not okay. It is fine to be induced past the due date. It is especially fine to be induced past the due date when you have a chronic illness that should have been addressed four or five months ago. I'm afraid of what will happen after birth. I already have visitors coming less than a week from tomorrow. I will be back at work the first week of June, which gives me so little time with my newborn that it makes me cry. All these things are "mommy war" losing strikes.
Did I mention that because I'm being induced that I've decided to get an epidural? This will NOT make me a bad mom! This will make me a SMART mom. I know I cannot handle the kind of pain Pitocin causes - and I want to be prepared for that. I want to be prepared for anything that I can, if it's pain or C-section, I don't want to be panicked at the very end. I want to be prepared. And I certainly don't want to feel guilty for being scared. I'm not less of a woman for being scared!
I also can't breastfeed for more than a couple of weeks, and my child will likely be primarily bottle fed. Everyone keeps referring me to these breastmilk banks - I feel so strange looking at them. Unless my child is very sick, I'm confident she'll be fine on my colostrum and then formula. I was a formula kid, and was a sick kid, but my parents also smoked. I also have Eustachian tube dysfunction - contrary to popular belief, many babies get ear infections because of ETD, not because they were or were not breast fed. Seriously. Stop the madness, and STOP BLAMING MOMS.
I know this battle is just beginning. I am fucking terrified of the next few days. You won't likely be hearing from me until then!
But, shhhh, internet friends - I am letting you in on a secret. I've already made a little outfit for my girl to take her 'baby reveal' pictures in. Hope you love it, she's our little "dinosaur baby"!
I like french toast. Mmmm.
Something I do well:
I am fairly flexible - even when I'm 41 weeks pregnant! I painted my toenails today - it was a feat, but I did it, they're beautiful.
Something that went well today:
At this point, any day that I can get out of bed is a feat. I almost wet the bed this morning, no joke. I have been tied to the couch for most of the day, simply because I am exhausted. It feels almost like MS fatigue, I am praying it's just because of this cold/pregnancy rhinitis/whatever, I've had a cough all night/day, throat pain as well from mucus. I'm just generally run down. So getting up to pain my nails was a great accomplishment! I also was able to get rid of the bags of clothes for donation out of my living room, so it's pretty clean.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I start the induction process. To be honest, I'm terrified. I hate pain and they're going to have to put gel on my cervix - which means someone will have to touch my hoo-ha. I don't know if any woman ever has an experience with the OB (or people of the like) and doesn't feel like it's total torture, but I know I do. I'm very anxious.
Since I was a kid, pregnancy has scared me. Not just because of the "life is changing forever" thing, but because I used to dream that I would die in childbirth. So, seeing as that's happening this weekend whether I'm ready or not, I'm very scared.
I hate that there's already a "mommy war" going on inside my head. I have let so many women stray me from the original plan - - so much so, that I actually feel guilty for being induced. Guilty, at 41 weeks + 4 days, of induction. That's not okay. It is fine to be induced past the due date. It is especially fine to be induced past the due date when you have a chronic illness that should have been addressed four or five months ago. I'm afraid of what will happen after birth. I already have visitors coming less than a week from tomorrow. I will be back at work the first week of June, which gives me so little time with my newborn that it makes me cry. All these things are "mommy war" losing strikes.
Did I mention that because I'm being induced that I've decided to get an epidural? This will NOT make me a bad mom! This will make me a SMART mom. I know I cannot handle the kind of pain Pitocin causes - and I want to be prepared for that. I want to be prepared for anything that I can, if it's pain or C-section, I don't want to be panicked at the very end. I want to be prepared. And I certainly don't want to feel guilty for being scared. I'm not less of a woman for being scared!
I also can't breastfeed for more than a couple of weeks, and my child will likely be primarily bottle fed. Everyone keeps referring me to these breastmilk banks - I feel so strange looking at them. Unless my child is very sick, I'm confident she'll be fine on my colostrum and then formula. I was a formula kid, and was a sick kid, but my parents also smoked. I also have Eustachian tube dysfunction - contrary to popular belief, many babies get ear infections because of ETD, not because they were or were not breast fed. Seriously. Stop the madness, and STOP BLAMING MOMS.
I know this battle is just beginning. I am fucking terrified of the next few days. You won't likely be hearing from me until then!
But, shhhh, internet friends - I am letting you in on a secret. I've already made a little outfit for my girl to take her 'baby reveal' pictures in. Hope you love it, she's our little "dinosaur baby"!
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
4/22/16 - 4/27/16
Seriously five days???
Something I like about myself:
I can handle deadlines. Like, with a sense of urgency.
Something I do well:
I m a good speed painter - not many people can create quality work in a few hours.
Something that went well today:
Augh, I am still pregnant. I'm in intermitten pain off and on and no further along. So the best thing lately is I've been able to make cute creations for my baby and freezer meals. And a kickass pan of frosted brownies, mmmmm.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I could have real contractions and no more pain without gain!!!
Something I like about myself:
I can handle deadlines. Like, with a sense of urgency.
Something I do well:
I m a good speed painter - not many people can create quality work in a few hours.
Something that went well today:
Augh, I am still pregnant. I'm in intermitten pain off and on and no further along. So the best thing lately is I've been able to make cute creations for my baby and freezer meals. And a kickass pan of frosted brownies, mmmmm.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I could have real contractions and no more pain without gain!!!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
4/20/2016 - 4/21/2016
Something I like about myself:
I can buckle down and get things done when I need to.
I have a tendency to stay almost too cool-headed when I should be panicking.
Something I do well:
I can sort laundry quickly. It's the little things.
I try to let others know when I am thinking about them.
Something that went well today:
Wednesday, the 20th, was my baby's due date. Obviously, she is not here yet. It was a really scary day. I went to the OB, am only dilated to "a tight 2 cm" (I think she was being generous) and my belly "shrank" from 36 cm to 32 cm. I was very concerned. We ended up having an ultrasound last night, with a caveat that if they didn't like what they saw that I would be whisked up to labor and delivery.
We ended up coming home, she looks fine, and is just "a little on the small side." Her weight estimate is 6 lbs 11 ounces, I don't know where they get that this is particularly small as I don't think it's really abnormal for babies to be much bigger than 7 1/2 pounds - but obviously I have never made a baby before. She is proportional so I am not concerned. But now we are more anxious than ever.
Today I just did laundry and tried to be active. I don't know how much being sentient might delay birth - really I don't. But I'm too tired to do a lot of exercise or walking..
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is the full moon. Keep your fingers crossed that she is just waiting for the full moon, and will be joining us this weekend!
I can buckle down and get things done when I need to.
I have a tendency to stay almost too cool-headed when I should be panicking.
Something I do well:
I can sort laundry quickly. It's the little things.
I try to let others know when I am thinking about them.
Something that went well today:
Wednesday, the 20th, was my baby's due date. Obviously, she is not here yet. It was a really scary day. I went to the OB, am only dilated to "a tight 2 cm" (I think she was being generous) and my belly "shrank" from 36 cm to 32 cm. I was very concerned. We ended up having an ultrasound last night, with a caveat that if they didn't like what they saw that I would be whisked up to labor and delivery.
We ended up coming home, she looks fine, and is just "a little on the small side." Her weight estimate is 6 lbs 11 ounces, I don't know where they get that this is particularly small as I don't think it's really abnormal for babies to be much bigger than 7 1/2 pounds - but obviously I have never made a baby before. She is proportional so I am not concerned. But now we are more anxious than ever.
Today I just did laundry and tried to be active. I don't know how much being sentient might delay birth - really I don't. But I'm too tired to do a lot of exercise or walking..
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is the full moon. Keep your fingers crossed that she is just waiting for the full moon, and will be joining us this weekend!
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
4/19/2016
Something I like about myself:
I try my hardest to be patient.
Something I do well:
I am empathetic to others' struggles and needs.
I am not happy with myself today with how I act around my friend's four-year-old. She's four. She's exhausting. I really love my friend and all her kids, but I don't have the energy for her four-year-old these days. I hope that I can change and be more lively for her, because all that little girl wants to do is play with me, and I have an "I don't wanna" attitude. I've always preferred playing alone or with my sister so I don't understand the "I want to play with an adult" thing that she has. I'm a little ashamed and will try to be better.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to the park with my friend and her kids, then to another friend's house to talk about birth (she is a doula) and then to the grocery store. Baby moving a lot today.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, hoping that I will be dilated past 2 cm!
I try my hardest to be patient.
Something I do well:
I am empathetic to others' struggles and needs.
I am not happy with myself today with how I act around my friend's four-year-old. She's four. She's exhausting. I really love my friend and all her kids, but I don't have the energy for her four-year-old these days. I hope that I can change and be more lively for her, because all that little girl wants to do is play with me, and I have an "I don't wanna" attitude. I've always preferred playing alone or with my sister so I don't understand the "I want to play with an adult" thing that she has. I'm a little ashamed and will try to be better.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to the park with my friend and her kids, then to another friend's house to talk about birth (she is a doula) and then to the grocery store. Baby moving a lot today.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, hoping that I will be dilated past 2 cm!
Monday, April 18, 2016
4/17/2016 - 4/18/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am open-minded.
I believe that people are inherently good.
Something I do well:
I bake great snickerdoodles and their variants.
I can read music.
Something that went well today:
Sunday, I slept until 11!
Today, I went to the park and had lunch with Steve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world...as usual. But now I think she wants to wait for the full moon, so we shall see!
I am open-minded.
I believe that people are inherently good.
Something I do well:
I bake great snickerdoodles and their variants.
I can read music.
Something that went well today:
Sunday, I slept until 11!
Today, I went to the park and had lunch with Steve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world...as usual. But now I think she wants to wait for the full moon, so we shall see!
Saturday, April 16, 2016
4/16/2016, Pregnancy and Being Grateful
Addendum to earlier posting: I have discovered a giant, painful sit in the middle of my chin. It sprouted since noon. OY!
...
I'm going to just take a minute to make a blog posting about things that I am grateful for in this pregnancy, because at 39 weeks and 4 days along, I am having a harder and harder time feeling beautiful, motherly, and healthy.
So many things have gone wrong during my pregnancy - so many things that have made me feel like I am not cut out for this, that pregnancy is not for me, that this will be my only one. I don't know yet if I am certain of that. But I want to document the other things that have NOT gone wrong, to put things in perspective for myself, and for others who need hope through hard pregnancies and medical circumstances.
1) I am grateful that I did not struggle with fertility. We were able to conceive this little girl on our first try, officially. Seeing how my MS (the most likely culprit for half-blindness) has panned out, I am afraid that being off meds for any longer than was absolutely necessary would have been an even worse situation. I stopped my MS meds, anti-depressants, and birth control 2 months before we officially 'tried,' and were successful with that one go. It was the worst sex we had ever had (boo) haha, because we were so anxious. But we were spared so much heartache in the wait that I have seen so many friends go through.
2) I am grateful that my baby was not sick in the beginning, contrary to what I thought. I was so worried with all the spotting that something was wrong, even convinced that I lost the baby at around 5 weeks. What a heartbreaking feeling - for a woman who was never really sure if I wanted to have children, nothing made me want the baby more than thinking I had lost it.
3) I am grateful for only mild morning sickness. Yeah, I called it "all day sickness," and it was miserable while it lasted because I lost my appetite completely and just felt "off," it could have been so much worse.
4) I am grateful for no classic "complications." As much discomfort as I've been in, I never got debilitating symptoms that kept me from working. I was never put on bed rest. I was never bleeding so much to be concerned for my placenta, was never forced to go home from work, only had mild-moderate headaches. I didn't have high blood pressure. I didn't have terrible anemia (though I did start taking supplements again at the end). I didn't have gestational diabetes. For all that I have felt like hell through this pregnancy, none of the "feeling like hell" has been dangerous to the baby.
5) I am grateful that my baby cooperated at the 20 week ultrasound. I am fortunate that she cooperated then and we could see she was a girl. If I still didn't know this late in the game, I think I would go insane!! I don't know how some people do it!
6) I am grateful that I have carried to term. I didn't have a premature baby. I don't have a child that is underweight (at least, not that I can tell). Every scan we've done and heartbeat check have been excellent. She had a cyst in her choroid plexus of the brain at the 20 week ultrasound, but the condition that is usually indicative of would show many more signs if she had it - so it likely will just disappear. I've had Braxton-Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, pretty strongly. So being here at 39 weeks, though we're ready to be done, is a blessing.
7) I am grateful that I have not gained a huge amount of weight. I am constantly told that I look "very small" for how far along I am, but I am actually right on track for how much weight I should have gained for someone of my stature and weight. I saw the graph on my doctor's computer of my weight tracking - I'm right on "average!"
8) I am grateful that I have been able to wear a lot of my existing clothing. Now, pregnancy pants are the best thing ever and I recommend everyone buy some (just don't wear only pregnancy pants for this long... I am so sick of them by now haha). But I haven't had to replace all my undershirts, all my underwear, all my cardigans - I have bought about ten items just for pregnancy. So fortunate.
9) I am grateful that my feet have not swollen. Holy crap I am thankful for a lack of water retention. Only recently have I become "swollen" to a degree - I had to take off my wedding ring a few months ago because I swelled up at night, but I don't look bad.
10) I am grateful that all the problems I've dealt with that are not MS related have been easy to deal with. Such as, not being able to sleep - right now this sucks and is painful, but I had a pregnancy pillow to help with me with the majority of the time to get comfortable. I have had unbelievable congestion - thank goodness for Breathe Right nose strips!! I have not had terrible mood swings. I have not had super strange cravings (except at the beginning when pickles were one of the only things I could stomach!)
11) I am grateful to have a partner to help me through this. I keep forgetting that so many women do this alone - without family support, without strength of a real partner. Women who are victims of rape, of poor birth control, of abusive relationships. My heart goes out to them. My husband just jokingly beat up on my foot because it was "in the way," but I think I'll tolerate his playful "slapping" on my feet in exchange for a real foot massage later :)
12) I am grateful to have a job. I have means to take care of my child. It will be tight for us, it will be very hard to make ends meet. But it will be possible. So many people cannot make ends meet and take care of their children. I will be able to buy the formula we will need to feed her, because I won't be able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks before I go back on medication. We have a home, a crib, and clothing. So much to be thankful for.
13) I am grateful for my own strength to make it this far and not break down. I have emotionally had so many things to contend with during this pregnancy - but I have persevered. I am looking to the future and not feeling stuck. I may not always feel this way, but right now, I am optimistic and excited!
14) I am grateful for being prepared. I am grateful that my baby was planned. I have loved my child since the moment I saw the "Pregnant" on that little digital stick. And I will love her forever, for better or worse. So many people don't feel this way. I had no hesitation to tell people. I had no problems being excited for the unknown. I had no issues with buying baby things, or pregnancy pants, or new skin care products because I broke out (and still am, oy). I have felt like this is the right time, that we waited for a good moment, that we are as prepared as we are ever going to be.
For all these things, I am grateful. Don't forget that even in the storm, you can be thankful for the shelter. Love all!
...
I'm going to just take a minute to make a blog posting about things that I am grateful for in this pregnancy, because at 39 weeks and 4 days along, I am having a harder and harder time feeling beautiful, motherly, and healthy.
So many things have gone wrong during my pregnancy - so many things that have made me feel like I am not cut out for this, that pregnancy is not for me, that this will be my only one. I don't know yet if I am certain of that. But I want to document the other things that have NOT gone wrong, to put things in perspective for myself, and for others who need hope through hard pregnancies and medical circumstances.
1) I am grateful that I did not struggle with fertility. We were able to conceive this little girl on our first try, officially. Seeing how my MS (the most likely culprit for half-blindness) has panned out, I am afraid that being off meds for any longer than was absolutely necessary would have been an even worse situation. I stopped my MS meds, anti-depressants, and birth control 2 months before we officially 'tried,' and were successful with that one go. It was the worst sex we had ever had (boo) haha, because we were so anxious. But we were spared so much heartache in the wait that I have seen so many friends go through.
2) I am grateful that my baby was not sick in the beginning, contrary to what I thought. I was so worried with all the spotting that something was wrong, even convinced that I lost the baby at around 5 weeks. What a heartbreaking feeling - for a woman who was never really sure if I wanted to have children, nothing made me want the baby more than thinking I had lost it.
3) I am grateful for only mild morning sickness. Yeah, I called it "all day sickness," and it was miserable while it lasted because I lost my appetite completely and just felt "off," it could have been so much worse.
4) I am grateful for no classic "complications." As much discomfort as I've been in, I never got debilitating symptoms that kept me from working. I was never put on bed rest. I was never bleeding so much to be concerned for my placenta, was never forced to go home from work, only had mild-moderate headaches. I didn't have high blood pressure. I didn't have terrible anemia (though I did start taking supplements again at the end). I didn't have gestational diabetes. For all that I have felt like hell through this pregnancy, none of the "feeling like hell" has been dangerous to the baby.
5) I am grateful that my baby cooperated at the 20 week ultrasound. I am fortunate that she cooperated then and we could see she was a girl. If I still didn't know this late in the game, I think I would go insane!! I don't know how some people do it!
6) I am grateful that I have carried to term. I didn't have a premature baby. I don't have a child that is underweight (at least, not that I can tell). Every scan we've done and heartbeat check have been excellent. She had a cyst in her choroid plexus of the brain at the 20 week ultrasound, but the condition that is usually indicative of would show many more signs if she had it - so it likely will just disappear. I've had Braxton-Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, pretty strongly. So being here at 39 weeks, though we're ready to be done, is a blessing.
7) I am grateful that I have not gained a huge amount of weight. I am constantly told that I look "very small" for how far along I am, but I am actually right on track for how much weight I should have gained for someone of my stature and weight. I saw the graph on my doctor's computer of my weight tracking - I'm right on "average!"
8) I am grateful that I have been able to wear a lot of my existing clothing. Now, pregnancy pants are the best thing ever and I recommend everyone buy some (just don't wear only pregnancy pants for this long... I am so sick of them by now haha). But I haven't had to replace all my undershirts, all my underwear, all my cardigans - I have bought about ten items just for pregnancy. So fortunate.
9) I am grateful that my feet have not swollen. Holy crap I am thankful for a lack of water retention. Only recently have I become "swollen" to a degree - I had to take off my wedding ring a few months ago because I swelled up at night, but I don't look bad.
10) I am grateful that all the problems I've dealt with that are not MS related have been easy to deal with. Such as, not being able to sleep - right now this sucks and is painful, but I had a pregnancy pillow to help with me with the majority of the time to get comfortable. I have had unbelievable congestion - thank goodness for Breathe Right nose strips!! I have not had terrible mood swings. I have not had super strange cravings (except at the beginning when pickles were one of the only things I could stomach!)
11) I am grateful to have a partner to help me through this. I keep forgetting that so many women do this alone - without family support, without strength of a real partner. Women who are victims of rape, of poor birth control, of abusive relationships. My heart goes out to them. My husband just jokingly beat up on my foot because it was "in the way," but I think I'll tolerate his playful "slapping" on my feet in exchange for a real foot massage later :)
12) I am grateful to have a job. I have means to take care of my child. It will be tight for us, it will be very hard to make ends meet. But it will be possible. So many people cannot make ends meet and take care of their children. I will be able to buy the formula we will need to feed her, because I won't be able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks before I go back on medication. We have a home, a crib, and clothing. So much to be thankful for.
13) I am grateful for my own strength to make it this far and not break down. I have emotionally had so many things to contend with during this pregnancy - but I have persevered. I am looking to the future and not feeling stuck. I may not always feel this way, but right now, I am optimistic and excited!
14) I am grateful for being prepared. I am grateful that my baby was planned. I have loved my child since the moment I saw the "Pregnant" on that little digital stick. And I will love her forever, for better or worse. So many people don't feel this way. I had no hesitation to tell people. I had no problems being excited for the unknown. I had no issues with buying baby things, or pregnancy pants, or new skin care products because I broke out (and still am, oy). I have felt like this is the right time, that we waited for a good moment, that we are as prepared as we are ever going to be.
For all these things, I am grateful. Don't forget that even in the storm, you can be thankful for the shelter. Love all!
4/16/16
Something I like about myself:
I am ambitious.
Something I do well:
I love all my kitties equally :)
Something that went well today:
Today, when I woke up, I didn't notice any more painful cystic zits than I did yesterday. Sometimes, it's the little things.
(I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over so I might get my freaking skin back)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world. And it is the first Sunday that I will not have to be exhausted over having to go back to work the next day!!
I am ambitious.
Something I do well:
I love all my kitties equally :)
Something that went well today:
Today, when I woke up, I didn't notice any more painful cystic zits than I did yesterday. Sometimes, it's the little things.
(I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over so I might get my freaking skin back)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world. And it is the first Sunday that I will not have to be exhausted over having to go back to work the next day!!
Friday, April 15, 2016
4/15/2016
Something I like about myself:
I like spicy foods!
Something I do well:
I come prepared when I need to be.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to the doctor and met with the person who gave me an overview of what I missed from birthing classes; I have a lot to learn, but I'm glad I came with questions. I also got a little bit of sleep last night, I no longer feel like I am in back labor :( but at least I got a little bit of rest!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world - and would be a good birthdate! Come on, baby Tesla!!
(No, I did not name my child after a car....) :)
I like spicy foods!
Something I do well:
I come prepared when I need to be.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to the doctor and met with the person who gave me an overview of what I missed from birthing classes; I have a lot to learn, but I'm glad I came with questions. I also got a little bit of sleep last night, I no longer feel like I am in back labor :( but at least I got a little bit of rest!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world - and would be a good birthdate! Come on, baby Tesla!!
(No, I did not name my child after a car....) :)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
4/14/16
I might be in back labor.
I got no sleep last night.
This is the capacity of my brain...that is all! :)
I got no sleep last night.
This is the capacity of my brain...that is all! :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
4/13/2016
Something I like about myself:
I don't like to leave loose ends.
Something I do well:
I am always considerate to coworkers when I am in an office environment.
Something that went well today:
Today was my last day of work before maternity leave - I officially cannot work until June 1st!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to meet with a 'midwife'-like person at Kaiser to discuss things that I missed when I couldn't sign up for a pregnancy class. OY!
I don't like to leave loose ends.
Something I do well:
I am always considerate to coworkers when I am in an office environment.
Something that went well today:
Today was my last day of work before maternity leave - I officially cannot work until June 1st!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to meet with a 'midwife'-like person at Kaiser to discuss things that I missed when I couldn't sign up for a pregnancy class. OY!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
4/11/2016 - 4/12/2016
Something I like about myself:
I answer people quickly when I can.
I have a conscience.
Something I do well:
I don't leave things half-finished if I can help it.
I have yet to forget some of the most basic things about piano.
Something that went well today:
Monday... I didn't hurt anyone at my job, and while I may not have made my prospective patient the happiest person on Earth, I got through the appointment.
Today, I DID make a patient very happy, and I will likely be the one completing his fitting in June when I go back to work.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be my last day of work before maternity leave!
I answer people quickly when I can.
I have a conscience.
Something I do well:
I don't leave things half-finished if I can help it.
I have yet to forget some of the most basic things about piano.
Something that went well today:
Monday... I didn't hurt anyone at my job, and while I may not have made my prospective patient the happiest person on Earth, I got through the appointment.
Today, I DID make a patient very happy, and I will likely be the one completing his fitting in June when I go back to work.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be my last day of work before maternity leave!
Sunday, April 10, 2016
4/10/2016
Something I like about myself:
I like to keep a clean environment (even though I can relax in a total disaster, haha!)
Something I do well:
I am a good cook - even with things I haven't made in a long time!
Something that went well today:
Well, today was pretty uneventful. I talked on the phone with my mom for 1 hour and 15 minutes and neither of us yelled or cried!!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!
And I have a patient at 11 that I am PRAYING I will make happy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!
I like to keep a clean environment (even though I can relax in a total disaster, haha!)
Something I do well:
I am a good cook - even with things I haven't made in a long time!
Something that went well today:
Well, today was pretty uneventful. I talked on the phone with my mom for 1 hour and 15 minutes and neither of us yelled or cried!!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!
And I have a patient at 11 that I am PRAYING I will make happy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!
Saturday, April 9, 2016
4/7/2016 - 4/9/2016
We are so anxious for baby to arrive that I can't stand it! Hard to think about anything else. Here's my catch up from the last few days :)
Something I like about myself:
I try to keep private things to myself, but I am an open book. I think this is a good thing.
I don't hold grudges against others - even when it might benefit me to do so.
I like that I enjoy cheesy tv shows like "Say Yes to the Dress."
Something I do well:
I give credit where credit is due.
I don't miss opportunities to thank (at least, I don't think I do, if you think I have wronged you then I am sorry!)
I can learn things on my own.
Something that went well today:
On Thursday, I had a doctors appointment with a new physician - and it was so much better than my other doctor. I want to switch now. And that's okay. I am dilated to 1 cm - as of Thursday, anyway!
On Friday, it was my birthday - I am now 28 years old!
Today, we found the cutest onesie for our baby Tess. I keep losing mucus and having off and on contractions - I am so hopeful that we'll have her soon (and I won't have to go back to work - - love you, patients, but I feel really done!)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!
Something I like about myself:
I try to keep private things to myself, but I am an open book. I think this is a good thing.
I don't hold grudges against others - even when it might benefit me to do so.
I like that I enjoy cheesy tv shows like "Say Yes to the Dress."
Something I do well:
I give credit where credit is due.
I don't miss opportunities to thank (at least, I don't think I do, if you think I have wronged you then I am sorry!)
I can learn things on my own.
Something that went well today:
On Thursday, I had a doctors appointment with a new physician - and it was so much better than my other doctor. I want to switch now. And that's okay. I am dilated to 1 cm - as of Thursday, anyway!
On Friday, it was my birthday - I am now 28 years old!
Today, we found the cutest onesie for our baby Tess. I keep losing mucus and having off and on contractions - I am so hopeful that we'll have her soon (and I won't have to go back to work - - love you, patients, but I feel really done!)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
4/5/16 - 4/6/2016
Okay, folks, I have to level with you.
I did not have a great day yesterday. I actually had a fairly decent day objectively, but I'm really struggling with my MS. Last night I thought I was losing vision in my left eye - the 'good one,' and it's terrifying. I am still pregnant, and therefore, can't be treated until my daughter is born. I'm scared that I'll lose something else before she arrives. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it. There's a lot of fear in my mind. So I'm being realistic, and skipping Tuesday's (4/5/16) posting. Please forgive me, I am human, and sometimes I need a breather from even thinking positive.
Something I like about myself:
I am open to new ideas and things.
Something I do well:
I go above and beyond for patients when my intuition tells me something is wrong.
Something that went well today:
Today I got the last few things we've been needing for baby - a changing pad, and some cleaning supplies. It's very close. I'm terrified, but mostly excited!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment - here's to hoping that it goes better than last time!! I'm seeing a different doctor, which is somewhat odd. I hope to talk with her about why my original practitioner can't see me, or what's going on with her. Clearly something was up last time.
I did not have a great day yesterday. I actually had a fairly decent day objectively, but I'm really struggling with my MS. Last night I thought I was losing vision in my left eye - the 'good one,' and it's terrifying. I am still pregnant, and therefore, can't be treated until my daughter is born. I'm scared that I'll lose something else before she arrives. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it. There's a lot of fear in my mind. So I'm being realistic, and skipping Tuesday's (4/5/16) posting. Please forgive me, I am human, and sometimes I need a breather from even thinking positive.
Something I like about myself:
I am open to new ideas and things.
Something I do well:
I go above and beyond for patients when my intuition tells me something is wrong.
Something that went well today:
Today I got the last few things we've been needing for baby - a changing pad, and some cleaning supplies. It's very close. I'm terrified, but mostly excited!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment - here's to hoping that it goes better than last time!! I'm seeing a different doctor, which is somewhat odd. I hope to talk with her about why my original practitioner can't see me, or what's going on with her. Clearly something was up last time.
Monday, April 4, 2016
4/4/2016
Something I like about myself:
I make friends easier than I think I do.
Something I do well:
I can bring joy to any situation if I put my mind to it.
Something that went well today:
Today... well, today I think I started having contractions! My money is still on a birthday baby on the 8th (Friday) - - but we will see!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow the office has a meeting in the morning that will last until the afternoon. It will be refreshing to have some time to catch up and get things done separate from seeing patients. Nice to wrap up loose ends!!
I make friends easier than I think I do.
Something I do well:
I can bring joy to any situation if I put my mind to it.
Something that went well today:
Today... well, today I think I started having contractions! My money is still on a birthday baby on the 8th (Friday) - - but we will see!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow the office has a meeting in the morning that will last until the afternoon. It will be refreshing to have some time to catch up and get things done separate from seeing patients. Nice to wrap up loose ends!!
Sunday, April 3, 2016
4/3/2016
Something I like about myself:
I have a good sense of color.
Something I do well:
I am a good cook, and can clean my house like nobody's business within 30 minutes!
Something that went well today:
Today we had friends over for General Conference and breakfast - I made French Toast. I somehow did all this without sitting or taking a break and my back didn't break. Can't say the same for when I was folding and finishing laundry, but at least we got that done, too!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a great patient bringing his mother in to see me - I hope I can help her, too! But there's a big part of me that would really like work to be over. I kinda wish I had said the 8th would be my last day - - oh if only!
I'm not doing so hot with my MS right now, so I'm hopeful that my eye will get better in the next few days. I can barely see right now, everything is distorted and it's very distracting. Here's hoping that she comes soon enough that if something is really wrong, I can actually do something about it, unlike my flare at 20 weeks!
I have a good sense of color.
Something I do well:
I am a good cook, and can clean my house like nobody's business within 30 minutes!
Something that went well today:
Today we had friends over for General Conference and breakfast - I made French Toast. I somehow did all this without sitting or taking a break and my back didn't break. Can't say the same for when I was folding and finishing laundry, but at least we got that done, too!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a great patient bringing his mother in to see me - I hope I can help her, too! But there's a big part of me that would really like work to be over. I kinda wish I had said the 8th would be my last day - - oh if only!
I'm not doing so hot with my MS right now, so I'm hopeful that my eye will get better in the next few days. I can barely see right now, everything is distorted and it's very distracting. Here's hoping that she comes soon enough that if something is really wrong, I can actually do something about it, unlike my flare at 20 weeks!
Saturday, April 2, 2016
4/2/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am still motivated when I don't feel well.
Something I do well:
I am capable of letting go of material things when I know it's time to let them go.
Something that went well today:
Today I cleaned some of my drawers out and weeded out some old clothes. Steve was willing to move his clothes from our mutual closet to the one in the second room so that the baby clothes could go in the walk-in. Moved them over, very excited to see them all hung up and folded in our clothing shelf hanger :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am going to finish the laundry, finish cleaning the apartment, and start to just relax. I need to read all these baby books - I have been awful and haven't read a single one! I will have no idea what I'm doing when the baby arrives!!!! And it's too late for me to sign up for a birthing class....
I won't lie, readers. I'm freaking out!!!
I am still motivated when I don't feel well.
Something I do well:
I am capable of letting go of material things when I know it's time to let them go.
Something that went well today:
Today I cleaned some of my drawers out and weeded out some old clothes. Steve was willing to move his clothes from our mutual closet to the one in the second room so that the baby clothes could go in the walk-in. Moved them over, very excited to see them all hung up and folded in our clothing shelf hanger :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am going to finish the laundry, finish cleaning the apartment, and start to just relax. I need to read all these baby books - I have been awful and haven't read a single one! I will have no idea what I'm doing when the baby arrives!!!! And it's too late for me to sign up for a birthing class....
I won't lie, readers. I'm freaking out!!!
Friday, April 1, 2016
4/1/2016
Something I like about myself:
I approach things with a sense of positivity - even when I may not feel like doing so.
Something I do well:
I am confident in my ability to finish things that I have started.
Something that went well today:
Today I think I lost my mucus plug - which means labor is right around the corner here!! So we're excited for baby :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I had planned to whisk Steven away to the geyser that's about 30 minutes away - I've only been planning to take him for the last .... 10 months? I don't remember when I learned about it. But it's been a long time.
However, we'll be staying in and nesting, since baby will likely be imminent here soon. We've got to stay close to home, but that's okay - we'll just take Tess when she arrives!!
I approach things with a sense of positivity - even when I may not feel like doing so.
Something I do well:
I am confident in my ability to finish things that I have started.
Something that went well today:
Today I think I lost my mucus plug - which means labor is right around the corner here!! So we're excited for baby :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I had planned to whisk Steven away to the geyser that's about 30 minutes away - I've only been planning to take him for the last .... 10 months? I don't remember when I learned about it. But it's been a long time.
However, we'll be staying in and nesting, since baby will likely be imminent here soon. We've got to stay close to home, but that's okay - we'll just take Tess when she arrives!!
Thursday, March 31, 2016
3/31/2016
Something I like about myself:
I used to have fabulous breasts.
No, I'm not a bad mother or a bad woman for being disappointed that my perfect breasts have stretch marks, augh!!! But I know they'll come back to some semblance of what they once were... eventually.
Something I do well:
I go above and beyond when I do anything. No such thing as half-assing stuff here!
Something that went well today:
Today I made it over to the Taco Bell far from my job, because the one that was close to my job was under construction (akkkk!) and somehow made it back in time to actually eat my lunch. Yay for Bellski!!!!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is Friday ... do I really need to look forward to anything else??
My friend should be coming home with her daughter who just had surgery tomorrow, so we'll be making them dinner and welcoming them back into town. Hopefully they'll be coming home!
I used to have fabulous breasts.
No, I'm not a bad mother or a bad woman for being disappointed that my perfect breasts have stretch marks, augh!!! But I know they'll come back to some semblance of what they once were... eventually.
Something I do well:
I go above and beyond when I do anything. No such thing as half-assing stuff here!
Something that went well today:
Today I made it over to the Taco Bell far from my job, because the one that was close to my job was under construction (akkkk!) and somehow made it back in time to actually eat my lunch. Yay for Bellski!!!!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is Friday ... do I really need to look forward to anything else??
My friend should be coming home with her daughter who just had surgery tomorrow, so we'll be making them dinner and welcoming them back into town. Hopefully they'll be coming home!
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
3/27/2016 - 3/30/2016
Augh, I did it again! Another 4 day update.
Something I like about myself:
I have a sweet tooth!
I'm always thinking.
I have pretty feet.
I have stopped biting my nails!
Something I do well:
I persevere and actually show up at church.... even when I don't want to go, because I know it will bless me and others to be there.
I can uplift others.
I educate people around me who are anxious when I know I can help. Sometimes it takes more convincing than other times, but I wouldn't change that.
I'm always thinking of ways to improve and make a difference.
Something that went well today:
Sunday: Easter was beautiful! It was just a very nice day.
Monday: We had dinner with our friends, participated in their family night, and they were great letting me let some steam off my chest.
Tuesday: I think my boss and I are getting along better, which really eases my nerves a bit.
Wednesday: Today I thought I was going into labor....looks like a false alarm. But it means we're getting close, eee!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'm going to see one of my most beloved patients, going to fix issues that have been plaguing a few regular people, and I anticipate that I will sleep better because I am determined to stop eating before 7:45 tonight, haha!
Something I like about myself:
I have a sweet tooth!
I'm always thinking.
I have pretty feet.
I have stopped biting my nails!
Something I do well:
I persevere and actually show up at church.... even when I don't want to go, because I know it will bless me and others to be there.
I can uplift others.
I educate people around me who are anxious when I know I can help. Sometimes it takes more convincing than other times, but I wouldn't change that.
I'm always thinking of ways to improve and make a difference.
Something that went well today:
Sunday: Easter was beautiful! It was just a very nice day.
Monday: We had dinner with our friends, participated in their family night, and they were great letting me let some steam off my chest.
Tuesday: I think my boss and I are getting along better, which really eases my nerves a bit.
Wednesday: Today I thought I was going into labor....looks like a false alarm. But it means we're getting close, eee!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'm going to see one of my most beloved patients, going to fix issues that have been plaguing a few regular people, and I anticipate that I will sleep better because I am determined to stop eating before 7:45 tonight, haha!
Saturday, March 26, 2016
3/23/2016 - 3/26/2016
Oh my, I didn't update for a few days! But I didn't forget. So this one's to make up for them!
Something I like about myself:
I pay attention.
I can't just blow off my friends - I always make time to at least check in if I have to flake on plans.
I might care what people think, but it's because I'm sensitive, and I don't think vulnerability is a flaw.
I am patient. Even when a doctor makes me wait 90 minutes for what I think is an exciting appointment... only to be seen for a grand total of five minutes.
Something I do well:
I am always looking for ways to keep my relationship 'fresh,' like noticing when I find a new restaurant with coworkers that my husband would love, and treating him the next day.
I work well with people of all ages.
I am able to diplomatically tell a parent that their child has a problem. This was completely heartbreaking, and it ruined my Friday. But I'm proud of how I handled it and, in turn, how this mother handled it as well.
I don't look at challenges as obstacles - I see them as opportunities.
Something that went well today:
Wednesday: This was my last day working in the office far from where I live. It went well, and I am proud of the work that I've put in there, and got to say goodbye to many beloved patients until June.
Thursday: We were supposed to have an ultrasound that was exciting and fun - and it ended up being a quick check and we saw nothing (see the 90 minute wait comment above). I was really not happy. But I ended up throwing an awesome church event, not many people came but it was successful, and it brought up the mood of the day.
Friday: There were many things about this day that could be dwelled upon, but I ended up finishing a pile of reports that had been waiting the week to be completed, and I was able to teach some things to coworkers. Overall a good day.
Today: We installed the carseat today!! It was so exciting. I am becoming anxious to meet my little girl, even though she is vastly easier to care for now when I keep her with me all the time.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'm going to pass out some notices for a church event in late April, one that I will hopefully not be 100% responsible for because of the birth. I'm also looking forward to getting more things cleaned and ready - 3 weeks of waiting now, it's so exciting!
Something I like about myself:
I pay attention.
I can't just blow off my friends - I always make time to at least check in if I have to flake on plans.
I might care what people think, but it's because I'm sensitive, and I don't think vulnerability is a flaw.
I am patient. Even when a doctor makes me wait 90 minutes for what I think is an exciting appointment... only to be seen for a grand total of five minutes.
Something I do well:
I am always looking for ways to keep my relationship 'fresh,' like noticing when I find a new restaurant with coworkers that my husband would love, and treating him the next day.
I work well with people of all ages.
I am able to diplomatically tell a parent that their child has a problem. This was completely heartbreaking, and it ruined my Friday. But I'm proud of how I handled it and, in turn, how this mother handled it as well.
I don't look at challenges as obstacles - I see them as opportunities.
Something that went well today:
Wednesday: This was my last day working in the office far from where I live. It went well, and I am proud of the work that I've put in there, and got to say goodbye to many beloved patients until June.
Thursday: We were supposed to have an ultrasound that was exciting and fun - and it ended up being a quick check and we saw nothing (see the 90 minute wait comment above). I was really not happy. But I ended up throwing an awesome church event, not many people came but it was successful, and it brought up the mood of the day.
Friday: There were many things about this day that could be dwelled upon, but I ended up finishing a pile of reports that had been waiting the week to be completed, and I was able to teach some things to coworkers. Overall a good day.
Today: We installed the carseat today!! It was so exciting. I am becoming anxious to meet my little girl, even though she is vastly easier to care for now when I keep her with me all the time.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I'm going to pass out some notices for a church event in late April, one that I will hopefully not be 100% responsible for because of the birth. I'm also looking forward to getting more things cleaned and ready - 3 weeks of waiting now, it's so exciting!
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
3/22/2016
We're past day 30 - so I'm no longer numbering!
Something I like about myself:
I made a promise to do this blog daily, and I have!
Something I do well:
I am good at getting people excited about things, especially my profession. I love teaching.
Something that went well today:
Today Steven and I went down to San Fran - I really don't like this city, but we found some cool shops to peruse and I had fun helping the students at U of P test kiddos.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will be setting up for an event on Thursday with my church - it will feel really nice to get this out of the way so I can focus on baby planning instead, and pass the torch for the next event!!
Something I like about myself:
I made a promise to do this blog daily, and I have!
Something I do well:
I am good at getting people excited about things, especially my profession. I love teaching.
Something that went well today:
Today Steven and I went down to San Fran - I really don't like this city, but we found some cool shops to peruse and I had fun helping the students at U of P test kiddos.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will be setting up for an event on Thursday with my church - it will feel really nice to get this out of the way so I can focus on baby planning instead, and pass the torch for the next event!!
Day 30, 3/21/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am able to calm down even the most anxious people.
Something I do well:
I can complete a balance assessment without making my patients sick!
Here's the finished painting that I showed y'all yesterday, his name is Dufresne (Doo-Frayne):
Something that went well today:
Today I had a good attitude throughout the day!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow we are going to San Francisco, I am supervising some students, and we are going to Fisherman's Wharf to get some baby things that I've been wanting to pick up :)
I am able to calm down even the most anxious people.
Something I do well:
I can complete a balance assessment without making my patients sick!
Here's the finished painting that I showed y'all yesterday, his name is Dufresne (Doo-Frayne):
Something that went well today:
Today I had a good attitude throughout the day!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow we are going to San Francisco, I am supervising some students, and we are going to Fisherman's Wharf to get some baby things that I've been wanting to pick up :)
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Day 29, 3/20/2016
Something I like about myself:
I can bring concepts into a lesson that no one thought to mention.
Something I do well:
I am good at painting. I started a T-Rex painting for my husband today; I don't have the energy to finish it today though I usually would,
Something that went well today:
Today Steven participated in the baby blessing of our friends' daughter, and I started above painting ^^
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow..... I am sure I have a patient I can help. There's never a doubt that I'll be able to affect someone's life at my job!
I can bring concepts into a lesson that no one thought to mention.
Something I do well:
I am good at painting. I started a T-Rex painting for my husband today; I don't have the energy to finish it today though I usually would,
Something that went well today:
Today Steven participated in the baby blessing of our friends' daughter, and I started above painting ^^
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow..... I am sure I have a patient I can help. There's never a doubt that I'll be able to affect someone's life at my job!
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Day 28, 3/19/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am entertaining and sarcastic.
Something I do well:
I am scientifically minded and can answer questions from inquiring teenagers all day.
Something that went well today:
Today we went to the temple. The Oakland temple has the biggest tulips I've ever seen - my favorite. I was able to help with the youth, which was somewhat exhausting for three hours, but I know that I helped contribute to their spiritual growth as well as my own.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow Steve will be participating in our good friends' baby blessing. After some of the less pleasant things this week and today, I am hoping it will bring things into focus for me.
I am entertaining and sarcastic.
Something I do well:
I am scientifically minded and can answer questions from inquiring teenagers all day.
Something that went well today:
Today we went to the temple. The Oakland temple has the biggest tulips I've ever seen - my favorite. I was able to help with the youth, which was somewhat exhausting for three hours, but I know that I helped contribute to their spiritual growth as well as my own.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow Steve will be participating in our good friends' baby blessing. After some of the less pleasant things this week and today, I am hoping it will bring things into focus for me.
Day 27, 3/18/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am creative in many ways.
Something I do well:
I can visualize how something will turn out and then make it so.
Something that went well today:
Today I was able to let a very sweet older lady know what she was missing in her world. She was very surprised, but happily so. I am pleased as well.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow Steve and I are going to the LDS Temple to assist in a temple trip with the youth. It will be nice to not be able to look at my phone for at least a few hours and think about something else.
I am creative in many ways.
Something I do well:
I can visualize how something will turn out and then make it so.
Something that went well today:
Today I was able to let a very sweet older lady know what she was missing in her world. She was very surprised, but happily so. I am pleased as well.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow Steve and I are going to the LDS Temple to assist in a temple trip with the youth. It will be nice to not be able to look at my phone for at least a few hours and think about something else.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Day 26, 3/17/2016
Something I like about myself:
I do not view myself as a victim, though it would be easy to put myself in such a place.
Something I do well:
I am learning to be a better negotiator.
Something that went well today:
Today I had a lot of things go well. I was praised by my current boss for a few things. I was praised by the woman I consider my mentor. My father sent me a great punny joke. I was able to help someone hear better. It was an all around great day. Anything otherwise was completely my fault and I should know better by now not to poke a beast that wants to compare me to a deceased baby.
I know that sounds cruel, but it is the truth.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get a paycheck that will allow me to pay my taxes and get that out of the way.
..
My boss periodically has given me reading material to help with what he calls "leadership discussions." While I personally am too prideful to enjoy these things very much, and I have read a lot of these materials in the past, I really appreciate this current book. It's called, "The Power of TED," and it's a novel-like self help book that really is focused on the idea that victimization is a choice that we make, and that there are other options. I have felt this way for many years, and used to run a weekly email chain that I called "Weekly Advice," which at first was a thinly-veiled attempt to let the guy I had a crush on know that he had hurt my feelings, but it morphed into a "Dear Abby"-like phenomenon.
There was a common thread that I ended every post with: ITYM YAVA ESD. I know it looks like gibberish. But it was actually a line from a song, "I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day." I heard that lyric and though to myself, "I don't want that. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be this constant victim. I want to change." I never forgot it. And I want to continue living by it.
This is why I so frequently say that "I have my MS, my MS doesn't have me." If I let myself be a victim to my body, I have no control. I have no choice. But if I take responsibility, and do everything I possibly can to prevent problems with it, then I can't feel victimized for it. It's just the way it is. And I cannot control what happens to me or around me, I can only control how I respond. Circumstances don't have feelings - you can't take it personally to be a 'victim of circumstance' because a circumstance cannot victimize you. Only you can choose to be a victim in that case.
I am not a victim. I won't be one today, I won't be one tomorrow.
I do not view myself as a victim, though it would be easy to put myself in such a place.
Something I do well:
I am learning to be a better negotiator.
Something that went well today:
Today I had a lot of things go well. I was praised by my current boss for a few things. I was praised by the woman I consider my mentor. My father sent me a great punny joke. I was able to help someone hear better. It was an all around great day. Anything otherwise was completely my fault and I should know better by now not to poke a beast that wants to compare me to a deceased baby.
I know that sounds cruel, but it is the truth.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get a paycheck that will allow me to pay my taxes and get that out of the way.
..
My boss periodically has given me reading material to help with what he calls "leadership discussions." While I personally am too prideful to enjoy these things very much, and I have read a lot of these materials in the past, I really appreciate this current book. It's called, "The Power of TED," and it's a novel-like self help book that really is focused on the idea that victimization is a choice that we make, and that there are other options. I have felt this way for many years, and used to run a weekly email chain that I called "Weekly Advice," which at first was a thinly-veiled attempt to let the guy I had a crush on know that he had hurt my feelings, but it morphed into a "Dear Abby"-like phenomenon.
There was a common thread that I ended every post with: ITYM YAVA ESD. I know it looks like gibberish. But it was actually a line from a song, "I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day." I heard that lyric and though to myself, "I don't want that. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be this constant victim. I want to change." I never forgot it. And I want to continue living by it.
This is why I so frequently say that "I have my MS, my MS doesn't have me." If I let myself be a victim to my body, I have no control. I have no choice. But if I take responsibility, and do everything I possibly can to prevent problems with it, then I can't feel victimized for it. It's just the way it is. And I cannot control what happens to me or around me, I can only control how I respond. Circumstances don't have feelings - you can't take it personally to be a 'victim of circumstance' because a circumstance cannot victimize you. Only you can choose to be a victim in that case.
I am not a victim. I won't be one today, I won't be one tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Day 25, 3/16/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am easy to get along with, and I make connections well.
Something I do well:
I can anticipate my patients' needs and fulfill them efficiently and effectively.
Something that went well today:
Today I helped a patient who is otherwise usually cantankerous - and I am very happy that he will be doing better because of my efforts!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow my coworkers are going to our favorite Mexican place - it's inexpensive and delicious!
I am easy to get along with, and I make connections well.
Something I do well:
I can anticipate my patients' needs and fulfill them efficiently and effectively.
Something that went well today:
Today I helped a patient who is otherwise usually cantankerous - and I am very happy that he will be doing better because of my efforts!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow my coworkers are going to our favorite Mexican place - it's inexpensive and delicious!
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Day 24, 3/15/2016
Something I like about myself:
I can do what I am asked.
Something I do well:
I try to see the best course of action before I am told to do it.
Something that went well today:
Today I got to see the article I was interviewed for and finished teaching a class!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will help aton of people and have no plans after work :)
I can do what I am asked.
Something I do well:
I try to see the best course of action before I am told to do it.
Something that went well today:
Today I got to see the article I was interviewed for and finished teaching a class!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will help aton of people and have no plans after work :)
Monday, March 14, 2016
Day 23, 3/14/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am a good mommy to my cats.
Something I do well:
I can hold my tongue when I absolutely have to!
Something that went well today:
Today I was able to run home and get my cat to surrender himself to the cat carrier ... and he didn't scratch me!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am finishing the SRJC class with my boss - I am looking forward to seeing the overall reviews and hoping that we can help some of those folks!
I am a good mommy to my cats.
Something I do well:
I can hold my tongue when I absolutely have to!
Something that went well today:
Today I was able to run home and get my cat to surrender himself to the cat carrier ... and he didn't scratch me!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am finishing the SRJC class with my boss - I am looking forward to seeing the overall reviews and hoping that we can help some of those folks!
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Day 22, 3/13/2016
Something I like about myself:
I have fabulous breasts. Most of the time.
Something I do well:
I am learning that I can ask for help when I need it.
Something that went well today:
Today I made excellent, blonde, cheese-filled wontons. Mmmmmm....
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am going to choose to not be focused on the negative, to look at what is going well as opposed to what isn't, because instigators for that behavior won't be around in the office and I intend to keep that momentum going.
I have fabulous breasts. Most of the time.
Something I do well:
I am learning that I can ask for help when I need it.
Something that went well today:
Today I made excellent, blonde, cheese-filled wontons. Mmmmmm....
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am going to choose to not be focused on the negative, to look at what is going well as opposed to what isn't, because instigators for that behavior won't be around in the office and I intend to keep that momentum going.
Day 21, 3/12/2016
Something I like about myself:
I picked my spouse well, he completes me, and is part of who I am.
Something I do well:
I can multi-task even while exhausted.
Something that went well today:
Today I cleaned more of the house and we got a crib mattress.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow we'll be going to a friend's house to celebrate his birthday, which means I get baby time!
I picked my spouse well, he completes me, and is part of who I am.
Something I do well:
I can multi-task even while exhausted.
Something that went well today:
Today I cleaned more of the house and we got a crib mattress.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow we'll be going to a friend's house to celebrate his birthday, which means I get baby time!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Day 20, 3/11/2016
Something I like about myself:
I refuse to give up on people (even when I probably should).
Something I do well:
I am an excellent technical writer (resumes, cover letters, emails, etc).
Something that went well today:
Today I helped a friend and a stranger.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I am SO nesting. Tomorrow my house is getting CLEAN!
I refuse to give up on people (even when I probably should).
Something I do well:
I am an excellent technical writer (resumes, cover letters, emails, etc).
Something that went well today:
Today I helped a friend and a stranger.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I am SO nesting. Tomorrow my house is getting CLEAN!
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Day 19, 3/10/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am totally nerdy.
Something I do well:
I love to teach, and can get anyone excited about what I get excited about if I try hard enough.
Something that went well today:
Today I hit $99,966.30! Five digits, baby! It will only last a few days, but that still counts!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow, I'll be helping out a friend with something she desperately needs. And I hope I can get her moving in the right direction.
I am totally nerdy.
Something I do well:
I love to teach, and can get anyone excited about what I get excited about if I try hard enough.
Something that went well today:
Today I hit $99,966.30! Five digits, baby! It will only last a few days, but that still counts!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow, I'll be helping out a friend with something she desperately needs. And I hope I can get her moving in the right direction.
Day 18, 3/9/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am adventurous!
Something I do well:
Even though I am an introvert, I am a great public speaker, and I love meeting new people in that environment.
Something that went well today:
Today I was a guest speaker for a CI support group - it was excellent!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss that I expect will go much better than the one we had last week.
I am adventurous!
Something I do well:
Even though I am an introvert, I am a great public speaker, and I love meeting new people in that environment.
Something that went well today:
Today I was a guest speaker for a CI support group - it was excellent!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss that I expect will go much better than the one we had last week.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Day 17, 3/8/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am easily excitable.
Something I do well:
I am good at calming down an emotional or otherwise heavy situation.
Something that went well today:
Today I taught my prevention class - and got a lot of questions, which I love. I also had a meeting that I was dreading and it really wasn't that bad. Wasn't great, but wasn't bad.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow, God willing, if my payment posts on time, I will finally have a student loan balance < 100,000. This is a huge milestone, and I may only be beneath it for a couple of weeks before interest accrues enough to be back in the six digits, but I am going to screenshot that shit like crazy!
I am easily excitable.
Something I do well:
I am good at calming down an emotional or otherwise heavy situation.
Something that went well today:
Today I taught my prevention class - and got a lot of questions, which I love. I also had a meeting that I was dreading and it really wasn't that bad. Wasn't great, but wasn't bad.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow, God willing, if my payment posts on time, I will finally have a student loan balance < 100,000. This is a huge milestone, and I may only be beneath it for a couple of weeks before interest accrues enough to be back in the six digits, but I am going to screenshot that shit like crazy!
Monday, March 7, 2016
Day 16, 3/7/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am practical.
Something I do well:
I am good at opening up to people to make them feel comfortable.
Something that went well today:
Today Steve and I put the crib together.
It barely fits in the bedroom. But we have it together. I don't know how we're going to survive in this tiny apartment that we already can barely afford.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am teaching the prevention portion of my class at the Junior College. I only get 20 minutes for my section, but I am looking forward to teaching my passion to the students.
I am nervous for tomorrow. I have a meeting with my office manager, and another meeting with my boss. I have had a lot of meetings with them lately. I am so paranoid about everything in my life falling apart as I'm preparing for a baby. We don't have everything that we need and we really need a miracle to survive the next two months financially. I don't have much in savings, and still have so much money to pay back. I feel like my mother hates me, yet she asks me where I get my 'poor internal monologue' from. I need to learn to practice what I preach in church and have more patience with her, but my patience has run out.
I can't wait for tomorrow to be over.
I am practical.
Something I do well:
I am good at opening up to people to make them feel comfortable.
Something that went well today:
Today Steve and I put the crib together.
It barely fits in the bedroom. But we have it together. I don't know how we're going to survive in this tiny apartment that we already can barely afford.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am teaching the prevention portion of my class at the Junior College. I only get 20 minutes for my section, but I am looking forward to teaching my passion to the students.
I am nervous for tomorrow. I have a meeting with my office manager, and another meeting with my boss. I have had a lot of meetings with them lately. I am so paranoid about everything in my life falling apart as I'm preparing for a baby. We don't have everything that we need and we really need a miracle to survive the next two months financially. I don't have much in savings, and still have so much money to pay back. I feel like my mother hates me, yet she asks me where I get my 'poor internal monologue' from. I need to learn to practice what I preach in church and have more patience with her, but my patience has run out.
I can't wait for tomorrow to be over.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Day 15, 3/6/2016
Something I like about myself:
I have a good sense for what people need to hear, especially while teaching.
Something I do well:
I am a pretty good cook! Today I made jalapeno cream cheese wontons. They were amazing :)
Something that went well today:
Today I taught a less on in church on patience and it was excellent. I got a lot of compliments at the end for my teaching and for the content, which of course is the important part. I'm glad that I can influence people through teaching.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow... I have nothing planned except work.. But I will probably be signing up for disability payments for my maternity leave and making a list of the final baby items we need to get.
I have a good sense for what people need to hear, especially while teaching.
Something I do well:
I am a pretty good cook! Today I made jalapeno cream cheese wontons. They were amazing :)
Something that went well today:
Today I taught a less on in church on patience and it was excellent. I got a lot of compliments at the end for my teaching and for the content, which of course is the important part. I'm glad that I can influence people through teaching.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow... I have nothing planned except work.. But I will probably be signing up for disability payments for my maternity leave and making a list of the final baby items we need to get.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Day 14, 3/5/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am laid back when it comes to obstacles. Raining outside? Not a big deal. I have to park my car down the street? Well, it isn't fun to walk when I'm this pregnant, but it's really not a problem. There are bigger things to worry about.
Something I do well:
I do my very best not to miss opportunities to thank people who help me.
Something that went well today:
Today I had a baby shower with women I work with and love. It was really beautiful and I'm glad I know them.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am giving a talk in church and I hope as I prepare for it and give it that I will feel its message. I chose patience.
I am laid back when it comes to obstacles. Raining outside? Not a big deal. I have to park my car down the street? Well, it isn't fun to walk when I'm this pregnant, but it's really not a problem. There are bigger things to worry about.
Something I do well:
I do my very best not to miss opportunities to thank people who help me.
Something that went well today:
Today I had a baby shower with women I work with and love. It was really beautiful and I'm glad I know them.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am giving a talk in church and I hope as I prepare for it and give it that I will feel its message. I chose patience.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Day 13, 3/4/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am easygoing. It's really difficult to rattle me to the point where I can't 'move over,' so to speak.
Something I do well:
I do well at letting the people around me know I appreciate them in small ways. I think this is a real show of leadership and not a faux show.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to my favorite Mexican place in town... it was delicious!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow there will be another baby shower for me from the women at work! So excited.
I am easygoing. It's really difficult to rattle me to the point where I can't 'move over,' so to speak.
Something I do well:
I do well at letting the people around me know I appreciate them in small ways. I think this is a real show of leadership and not a faux show.
Something that went well today:
Today I went to my favorite Mexican place in town... it was delicious!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow there will be another baby shower for me from the women at work! So excited.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Day 12, 3/3/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am ambitious. I will not apologize for it!!
Something I do well:
I do well at implementing my ambitious goals in a workable way..
Something that went well today:
I helped someone today.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow my paycheck will be correct.
I am ambitious. I will not apologize for it!!
Something I do well:
I do well at implementing my ambitious goals in a workable way..
Something that went well today:
I helped someone today.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow my paycheck will be correct.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Day 11, 3/2/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am a fighter! I won't give up for small waves.
Something I do well:
I'm a good mommy to my cats. I hope I am still a good mommy to this baby when she arrives.
Something that went well today:
Today a patient that I knew really needed help came in for a follow up, and he is doing incredibly well. So proud :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am attempting a "Hail Mary" pass with a tinnitus patient. I have my fingers crossed!
I am a fighter! I won't give up for small waves.
Something I do well:
I'm a good mommy to my cats. I hope I am still a good mommy to this baby when she arrives.
Something that went well today:
Today a patient that I knew really needed help came in for a follow up, and he is doing incredibly well. So proud :)
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am attempting a "Hail Mary" pass with a tinnitus patient. I have my fingers crossed!
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Day 10, 3/1/2016
Something I like about myself:
When I get a burst of energy, I have to use it, or I'll lose it quickly!
Something I do well:
I'm a good public speaker. I actually think I'll propose a community education class on speaking in public with my husband!
Something that went well today:
Today the local junior college offered to host my class again in the summer! It's a great step forward for my boss and I.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am looking forward to a McDonald's breakfast. Mmmmm!
When I get a burst of energy, I have to use it, or I'll lose it quickly!
Something I do well:
I'm a good public speaker. I actually think I'll propose a community education class on speaking in public with my husband!
Something that went well today:
Today the local junior college offered to host my class again in the summer! It's a great step forward for my boss and I.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I am looking forward to a McDonald's breakfast. Mmmmm!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Day 9, 2/29/2016
Something I like about myself:
I never get tired of creating things, and when I do, I feel very fulfilled.
Something I do well:
I am very good at sharing my personal thoughts and stories. I am an open book with most things. I think this is a strength, because vulnerability really is something that many people struggle with.
Something that went well today:
Today was my 8 year official anniversary of being a couple with my husband. We started officially dating on Leap Day 2008. And I tie dyed a whole bunch of onesies, four t-shirts, and three burp cloths! I also went to the dentist and for the first time in over 15 years, my four front teeth on the top are all the same single color. It's a huge step for me.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to teach my ear class at the junior college and I am looking forward to the balance portion of the class. I am making vestibular models for reference.
I never get tired of creating things, and when I do, I feel very fulfilled.
Something I do well:
I am very good at sharing my personal thoughts and stories. I am an open book with most things. I think this is a strength, because vulnerability really is something that many people struggle with.
Something that went well today:
Today was my 8 year official anniversary of being a couple with my husband. We started officially dating on Leap Day 2008. And I tie dyed a whole bunch of onesies, four t-shirts, and three burp cloths! I also went to the dentist and for the first time in over 15 years, my four front teeth on the top are all the same single color. It's a huge step for me.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to teach my ear class at the junior college and I am looking forward to the balance portion of the class. I am making vestibular models for reference.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Day 8, 2/28/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am resourceful and often "Macgyver" things into other things so that they work the way I want them to. I'm not afraid to take something apart to put it back together.
Something I do well:
I have great musical muscle memory - and often play music that my brain has mentally forgotten, but my hands have not.
Something that went well today:
I forgot to mention the other day that I submitted an abstract and my biography for a talk I will be giving in September at a professional conference. I am very excited, as this is my first one!
Today I made my husband happy, and I remembered to honor the nsim b'chol yom (the miracle of the everyday). Today is the 2 year anniversary of my MS diagnosis, and I am still here, and I am still fighting, and I will be okay as long as I remember not to give into my compulsions and look at things that hurt me.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I do not have to go to work, though I have a dentist appointment in the morning. I scheduled this Monday and Tuesday off about a month ago. I almost wish I hadn't now that I'm not doing well financially, but I really needed a couple of mental health days and time to get these dental appointments done. I'm also picking up a storage ottoman from a friend - yay more storage!
I am resourceful and often "Macgyver" things into other things so that they work the way I want them to. I'm not afraid to take something apart to put it back together.
Something I do well:
I have great musical muscle memory - and often play music that my brain has mentally forgotten, but my hands have not.
Something that went well today:
I forgot to mention the other day that I submitted an abstract and my biography for a talk I will be giving in September at a professional conference. I am very excited, as this is my first one!
Today I made my husband happy, and I remembered to honor the nsim b'chol yom (the miracle of the everyday). Today is the 2 year anniversary of my MS diagnosis, and I am still here, and I am still fighting, and I will be okay as long as I remember not to give into my compulsions and look at things that hurt me.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I do not have to go to work, though I have a dentist appointment in the morning. I scheduled this Monday and Tuesday off about a month ago. I almost wish I hadn't now that I'm not doing well financially, but I really needed a couple of mental health days and time to get these dental appointments done. I'm also picking up a storage ottoman from a friend - yay more storage!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Day 7, 2/27/2016
Something I like about myself:
I have eclectic taste - rarely do I truly get repulsed by anything. I love bright colors and that's obvious when looking at my living room.
Something I do well:
I have accomplished an awful lot for my age.
Something that went well today:
The day has just begun - but I painted my toenails orange, successfully. Still lookin' good.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I intend to start getting serious about organizing for new baby coming.
I have eclectic taste - rarely do I truly get repulsed by anything. I love bright colors and that's obvious when looking at my living room.
Something I do well:
I have accomplished an awful lot for my age.
Something that went well today:
The day has just begun - but I painted my toenails orange, successfully. Still lookin' good.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I intend to start getting serious about organizing for new baby coming.
Day 6, 2/26/2016
Something I like about myself:
I persevere, even when I am dead tired, when I have to get something done. No excuses.
Something I do well:
I am good at completing tasks within a set time line; I have good time management.
Something that went well today:
Today, I followed up with a patient who was very happy with his hearing aids. And, I made delicious chili, despite being nearly floored with exhaustion.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is my 'church baby shower' at my friend Dani's house - I am very much looking forward to this. I've never had a shower before.
I persevere, even when I am dead tired, when I have to get something done. No excuses.
Something I do well:
I am good at completing tasks within a set time line; I have good time management.
Something that went well today:
Today, I followed up with a patient who was very happy with his hearing aids. And, I made delicious chili, despite being nearly floored with exhaustion.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is my 'church baby shower' at my friend Dani's house - I am very much looking forward to this. I've never had a shower before.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Day 5, 2/25/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am quick-witted and funny. I make good and easy connections with patients and people, and that makes them want to spend time with me.
Something I do well:
I am good at explaining things and making my patients feel comfortable enough to confide in me easily. I had two just today who were happy that I shared some of my struggles with them - it makes me more 'human.'
Something that went well today:
Today, I got to run through the piano piece again. It might not have been perfect, but I got all the way through it without stopping.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I will get to come home to a relatively clean house and pick up a movie from the Redbox - I'm ready for a four-day weekend, even if there are two dentist appointments!
I am quick-witted and funny. I make good and easy connections with patients and people, and that makes them want to spend time with me.
Something I do well:
I am good at explaining things and making my patients feel comfortable enough to confide in me easily. I had two just today who were happy that I shared some of my struggles with them - it makes me more 'human.'
Something that went well today:
Today, I got to run through the piano piece again. It might not have been perfect, but I got all the way through it without stopping.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I will get to come home to a relatively clean house and pick up a movie from the Redbox - I'm ready for a four-day weekend, even if there are two dentist appointments!
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Day 4, 2/24/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am patient. I am capable of working with people who otherwise are difficult to work with because I exercise patience throughout the day, and I do it well.
Something I do well:
I am a constant learner. I don't believe there is anything I cannot learn to you.
Something that went well today:
Today, I finished the second movement of Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata. It is four pages long and I started learning it, officially, 12 years ago. Possibly longer. I did not play it all the way through in terms of start to finish, but now that I have officially played every note, I am confident that I be able to do so very soon.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I will be seeing friends for dinner tomorrow and get baby times! (This means I get to hold my friends' new infant, who is very sweet and bright-eyed).
I am patient. I am capable of working with people who otherwise are difficult to work with because I exercise patience throughout the day, and I do it well.
Something I do well:
I am a constant learner. I don't believe there is anything I cannot learn to you.
Something that went well today:
Today, I finished the second movement of Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata. It is four pages long and I started learning it, officially, 12 years ago. Possibly longer. I did not play it all the way through in terms of start to finish, but now that I have officially played every note, I am confident that I be able to do so very soon.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I will be seeing friends for dinner tomorrow and get baby times! (This means I get to hold my friends' new infant, who is very sweet and bright-eyed).
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Day 3, 2/23/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am observant. I am able to pick up on nuances of others' experiences and elaborate further, even when they don't think they said all that much. I usually excuse their disbelief with this phrase: "I pay attention."
Something I do well:
I am a good teacher. My students tonight said they were so glad to be taking my class - it makes me feel so blessed to be able to touch people's lives in a positive way.
Something that went well today:
The community education class was a success today! And a patient I have not seen since last April came in and was just as grateful today as when he was first fit. Great feeling.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I might get Einstein's bagels (Noah's out here) in the morning. That is worth celebrating :)
I am observant. I am able to pick up on nuances of others' experiences and elaborate further, even when they don't think they said all that much. I usually excuse their disbelief with this phrase: "I pay attention."
Something I do well:
I am a good teacher. My students tonight said they were so glad to be taking my class - it makes me feel so blessed to be able to touch people's lives in a positive way.
Something that went well today:
The community education class was a success today! And a patient I have not seen since last April came in and was just as grateful today as when he was first fit. Great feeling.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I might get Einstein's bagels (Noah's out here) in the morning. That is worth celebrating :)
Monday, February 22, 2016
Day 2, 2/22/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am a creative person. I just made up a cute little song for my husband's work predicament and made him laugh. "That's the caliber of woman that I married!"
Something I do well:
I am passionate about my job. I got very excited while speaking with patients today, which is my greatest strength at work - showing how much I love what I do, genuinely.
Something that went well today:
Today I sent an email to my greatest influence in audiology, beyond my direct mentor of course. He's the person I emulate the most. He not only remembered me, he agreed to come to our annual conference in September - and I had the connection! I am so excited to get to see him again, especially because I'll be giving a talk at the conference as well.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is the second day of my class that I'm teaching at the local Junior College. I am optimistic that I will get a lot of participation and inspire the students!
I am a creative person. I just made up a cute little song for my husband's work predicament and made him laugh. "That's the caliber of woman that I married!"
Something I do well:
I am passionate about my job. I got very excited while speaking with patients today, which is my greatest strength at work - showing how much I love what I do, genuinely.
Something that went well today:
Today I sent an email to my greatest influence in audiology, beyond my direct mentor of course. He's the person I emulate the most. He not only remembered me, he agreed to come to our annual conference in September - and I had the connection! I am so excited to get to see him again, especially because I'll be giving a talk at the conference as well.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is the second day of my class that I'm teaching at the local Junior College. I am optimistic that I will get a lot of participation and inspire the students!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Day 1, 2/21/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am an empathetic person. I have a knack for connecting with others and listening well.
Something I do well:
I am a musician. I recently finished memorizing the first two pages of Beethoven's Pathetique sonata. This is a very difficult piece and I have no formal piano training.
Something that went well today:
I ran a meeting at church and completed everything I wanted to within twenty minutes. I am a good, effective leader.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I get to help people at my job every day. Tomorrow is no exception.
I am an empathetic person. I have a knack for connecting with others and listening well.
Something I do well:
I am a musician. I recently finished memorizing the first two pages of Beethoven's Pathetique sonata. This is a very difficult piece and I have no formal piano training.
Something that went well today:
I ran a meeting at church and completed everything I wanted to within twenty minutes. I am a good, effective leader.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
I get to help people at my job every day. Tomorrow is no exception.
Why I Am Doing This
My wonderful, loving husband is a Psychologist, and he has been watching me struggle with ups and downs of Depression, Anxiety, and healing from a narcissistic mother for years.
I capitalize Depression and Anxiety in this context because they are like characters in my existence - enemies that I encounter daily and have to find ways to defeat. They cause me to self-doubt and perpetually focus on things that might not otherwise bother me.
So he has encouraged me to start a "Positivity Blog," in which I have to say things that I like about myself and my goals. This is because I have an inner monologue that constantly does the opposite.
Some days it will be a stretch. I will have a hard time on the days that I have conflict, or anything that upsets my mood.
I hope you will be willing to go on this journey with me - and maybe you'll start a positive blog of your own with this format.
Love all,
Amber
I capitalize Depression and Anxiety in this context because they are like characters in my existence - enemies that I encounter daily and have to find ways to defeat. They cause me to self-doubt and perpetually focus on things that might not otherwise bother me.
So he has encouraged me to start a "Positivity Blog," in which I have to say things that I like about myself and my goals. This is because I have an inner monologue that constantly does the opposite.
Some days it will be a stretch. I will have a hard time on the days that I have conflict, or anything that upsets my mood.
I hope you will be willing to go on this journey with me - and maybe you'll start a positive blog of your own with this format.
Love all,
Amber
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