I like french toast. Mmmm.
Something I do well:
I am fairly flexible - even when I'm 41 weeks pregnant! I painted my toenails today - it was a feat, but I did it, they're beautiful.
Something that went well today:
At this point, any day that I can get out of bed is a feat. I almost wet the bed this morning, no joke. I have been tied to the couch for most of the day, simply because I am exhausted. It feels almost like MS fatigue, I am praying it's just because of this cold/pregnancy rhinitis/whatever, I've had a cough all night/day, throat pain as well from mucus. I'm just generally run down. So getting up to pain my nails was a great accomplishment! I also was able to get rid of the bags of clothes for donation out of my living room, so it's pretty clean.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I start the induction process. To be honest, I'm terrified. I hate pain and they're going to have to put gel on my cervix - which means someone will have to touch my hoo-ha. I don't know if any woman ever has an experience with the OB (or people of the like) and doesn't feel like it's total torture, but I know I do. I'm very anxious.
Since I was a kid, pregnancy has scared me. Not just because of the "life is changing forever" thing, but because I used to dream that I would die in childbirth. So, seeing as that's happening this weekend whether I'm ready or not, I'm very scared.
I hate that there's already a "mommy war" going on inside my head. I have let so many women stray me from the original plan - - so much so, that I actually feel guilty for being induced. Guilty, at 41 weeks + 4 days, of induction. That's not okay. It is fine to be induced past the due date. It is especially fine to be induced past the due date when you have a chronic illness that should have been addressed four or five months ago. I'm afraid of what will happen after birth. I already have visitors coming less than a week from tomorrow. I will be back at work the first week of June, which gives me so little time with my newborn that it makes me cry. All these things are "mommy war" losing strikes.
Did I mention that because I'm being induced that I've decided to get an epidural? This will NOT make me a bad mom! This will make me a SMART mom. I know I cannot handle the kind of pain Pitocin causes - and I want to be prepared for that. I want to be prepared for anything that I can, if it's pain or C-section, I don't want to be panicked at the very end. I want to be prepared. And I certainly don't want to feel guilty for being scared. I'm not less of a woman for being scared!
I also can't breastfeed for more than a couple of weeks, and my child will likely be primarily bottle fed. Everyone keeps referring me to these breastmilk banks - I feel so strange looking at them. Unless my child is very sick, I'm confident she'll be fine on my colostrum and then formula. I was a formula kid, and was a sick kid, but my parents also smoked. I also have Eustachian tube dysfunction - contrary to popular belief, many babies get ear infections because of ETD, not because they were or were not breast fed. Seriously. Stop the madness, and STOP BLAMING MOMS.
I know this battle is just beginning. I am fucking terrified of the next few days. You won't likely be hearing from me until then!
But, shhhh, internet friends - I am letting you in on a secret. I've already made a little outfit for my girl to take her 'baby reveal' pictures in. Hope you love it, she's our little "dinosaur baby"!
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