Addendum to earlier posting: I have discovered a giant, painful sit in the middle of my chin. It sprouted since noon. OY!
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I'm going to just take a minute to make a blog posting about things that I am grateful for in this pregnancy, because at 39 weeks and 4 days along, I am having a harder and harder time feeling beautiful, motherly, and healthy.
So many things have gone wrong during my pregnancy - so many things that have made me feel like I am not cut out for this, that pregnancy is not for me, that this will be my only one. I don't know yet if I am certain of that. But I want to document the other things that have NOT gone wrong, to put things in perspective for myself, and for others who need hope through hard pregnancies and medical circumstances.
1) I am grateful that I did not struggle with fertility. We were able to conceive this little girl on our first try, officially. Seeing how my MS (the most likely culprit for half-blindness) has panned out, I am afraid that being off meds for any longer than was absolutely necessary would have been an even worse situation. I stopped my MS meds, anti-depressants, and birth control 2 months before we officially 'tried,' and were successful with that one go. It was the worst sex we had ever had (boo) haha, because we were so anxious. But we were spared so much heartache in the wait that I have seen so many friends go through.
2) I am grateful that my baby was not sick in the beginning, contrary to what I thought. I was so worried with all the spotting that something was wrong, even convinced that I lost the baby at around 5 weeks. What a heartbreaking feeling - for a woman who was never really sure if I wanted to have children, nothing made me want the baby more than thinking I had lost it.
3) I am grateful for only mild morning sickness. Yeah, I called it "all day sickness," and it was miserable while it lasted because I lost my appetite completely and just felt "off," it could have been so much worse.
4) I am grateful for no classic "complications." As much discomfort as I've been in, I never got debilitating symptoms that kept me from working. I was never put on bed rest. I was never bleeding so much to be concerned for my placenta, was never forced to go home from work, only had mild-moderate headaches. I didn't have high blood pressure. I didn't have terrible anemia (though I did start taking supplements again at the end). I didn't have gestational diabetes. For all that I have felt like hell through this pregnancy, none of the "feeling like hell" has been dangerous to the baby.
5) I am grateful that my baby cooperated at the 20 week ultrasound. I am fortunate that she cooperated then and we could see she was a girl. If I still didn't know this late in the game, I think I would go insane!! I don't know how some people do it!
6) I am grateful that I have carried to term. I didn't have a premature baby. I don't have a child that is underweight (at least, not that I can tell). Every scan we've done and heartbeat check have been excellent. She had a cyst in her choroid plexus of the brain at the 20 week ultrasound, but the condition that is usually indicative of would show many more signs if she had it - so it likely will just disappear. I've had Braxton-Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, pretty strongly. So being here at 39 weeks, though we're ready to be done, is a blessing.
7) I am grateful that I have not gained a huge amount of weight. I am constantly told that I look "very small" for how far along I am, but I am actually right on track for how much weight I should have gained for someone of my stature and weight. I saw the graph on my doctor's computer of my weight tracking - I'm right on "average!"
8) I am grateful that I have been able to wear a lot of my existing clothing. Now, pregnancy pants are the best thing ever and I recommend everyone buy some (just don't wear only pregnancy pants for this long... I am so sick of them by now haha). But I haven't had to replace all my undershirts, all my underwear, all my cardigans - I have bought about ten items just for pregnancy. So fortunate.
9) I am grateful that my feet have not swollen. Holy crap I am thankful for a lack of water retention. Only recently have I become "swollen" to a degree - I had to take off my wedding ring a few months ago because I swelled up at night, but I don't look bad.
10) I am grateful that all the problems I've dealt with that are not MS related have been easy to deal with. Such as, not being able to sleep - right now this sucks and is painful, but I had a pregnancy pillow to help with me with the majority of the time to get comfortable. I have had unbelievable congestion - thank goodness for Breathe Right nose strips!! I have not had terrible mood swings. I have not had super strange cravings (except at the beginning when pickles were one of the only things I could stomach!)
11) I am grateful to have a partner to help me through this. I keep forgetting that so many women do this alone - without family support, without strength of a real partner. Women who are victims of rape, of poor birth control, of abusive relationships. My heart goes out to them. My husband just jokingly beat up on my foot because it was "in the way," but I think I'll tolerate his playful "slapping" on my feet in exchange for a real foot massage later :)
12) I am grateful to have a job. I have means to take care of my child. It will be tight for us, it will be very hard to make ends meet. But it will be possible. So many people cannot make ends meet and take care of their children. I will be able to buy the formula we will need to feed her, because I won't be able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks before I go back on medication. We have a home, a crib, and clothing. So much to be thankful for.
13) I am grateful for my own strength to make it this far and not break down. I have emotionally had so many things to contend with during this pregnancy - but I have persevered. I am looking to the future and not feeling stuck. I may not always feel this way, but right now, I am optimistic and excited!
14) I am grateful for being prepared. I am grateful that my baby was planned. I have loved my child since the moment I saw the "Pregnant" on that little digital stick. And I will love her forever, for better or worse. So many people don't feel this way. I had no hesitation to tell people. I had no problems being excited for the unknown. I had no issues with buying baby things, or pregnancy pants, or new skin care products because I broke out (and still am, oy). I have felt like this is the right time, that we waited for a good moment, that we are as prepared as we are ever going to be.
For all these things, I am grateful. Don't forget that even in the storm, you can be thankful for the shelter. Love all!
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