I have decided to start my blog again, and at the end of this week, I will be adding some more things to it. I want to reach some pretty high milestones this year, and dwelling in the pain of this past year is not quite worth the stress and time. I must move on. My mother will still be gone tomorrow, and my daughter will be here instead. This is for Tesla. Love to all!
Something I like about myself:
I know how to be motivated when the time is right.
Something I do well:
I am an exceptional audiologist, and I am proud of it.
Something that went well today:
Today I acquired three beautiful orchids for my office; Audrey, Seymour, and Schlargen Flargen Dixon-Smith. They are my indoor garden!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to see a coworker I have not seen in a week, and I anticipate that a source of stress at work will be eliminated imminently.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
A Thought
"Traditionally, suicide risk has been thought to increase at the time of
diagnosis and during the early stages of dementia, when patients have
fears of future physical and mental decline and concerns about burdening
their families emotionally and financially."
I love you, mom.
I love you, mom.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
5/10/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am strong when dealing with things that are uncomfortable.
Something I do well:
I can bathe my baby in the sink one-handed!
Something that went well today:
Today I learned a bit more about my mom's last few weeks and it solidified that she resolved to end her life long before I could have done something about it.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will have survived another day. And my mother in law is coming into town - it should be a good visit.
I am strong when dealing with things that are uncomfortable.
Something I do well:
I can bathe my baby in the sink one-handed!
Something that went well today:
Today I learned a bit more about my mom's last few weeks and it solidified that she resolved to end her life long before I could have done something about it.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will have survived another day. And my mother in law is coming into town - it should be a good visit.
Monday, May 9, 2016
5/9/2016
Something I like about myself:
I am a professional person.
Something I do well:
I can answer the door with a baby in one arm and still look relatively awake and sane.
Something that went well today:
Today I didn't have to break the news to a lot of people; one person I called already knew. It was such a blessing to have that reprieve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will hopefully have more answers.
I am a professional person.
Something I do well:
I can answer the door with a baby in one arm and still look relatively awake and sane.
Something that went well today:
Today I didn't have to break the news to a lot of people; one person I called already knew. It was such a blessing to have that reprieve.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will hopefully have more answers.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
5/8/2016
Something I like about myself:I am... strong in the face of adversity.
Something I do well:
I am good at being diplomatic when experiencing extreme trauma.
Something that went well today:
Today I had several visitors. As an introvert this kind of thing horrifies me. But I handled all the hustle and bustle well, I think.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is not Mothers' Day.
Something I do well:
I am good at being diplomatic when experiencing extreme trauma.
Something that went well today:
Today I had several visitors. As an introvert this kind of thing horrifies me. But I handled all the hustle and bustle well, I think.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is not Mothers' Day.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
5/7/2016
Hello, all!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Readers, I have tragic news.
My mother committed suicide on the 5th. Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news. My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby. I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.
I am in absolute shock. I don't feel like saying anything positive. I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness. I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week. For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me. For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me. I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her. I got no answer.
And I knew. I fucking knew it. Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then? Why didn't I call on Monday? Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?
Just...why?
For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations.
Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.
Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.
Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died. I didn't flip out.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death. My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones. Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.
So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Readers, I have tragic news.
My mother committed suicide on the 5th. Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news. My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby. I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.
I am in absolute shock. I don't feel like saying anything positive. I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness. I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week. For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me. For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me. I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her. I got no answer.
And I knew. I fucking knew it. Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then? Why didn't I call on Monday? Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?
Just...why?
For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations.
Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.
Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.
Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died. I didn't flip out.
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death. My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones. Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.
So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.
Friday, May 6, 2016
5/6/2016
Hello, all!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Something I like about myself:
I have fabulous breasts. And now they're functional!
Something I do well:
I am apparently really good at making freezer meals. I had never done that before I got a wild hair up my ass last week that said, "MAKE FREEZER MEALS." Yes, omnipotent, strange voice!
Something that went well today:
My sister and brother-in-law are in town from Winnipeg to see the baby. I am hoping that we will not get the baby sick with our outings. She is absolutely perfect, I couldn't ask for more - we just need to keep her healthy as long as possible. I would just be beside myself if she got sick from any visitors or because I left the house.
BUT, we went to the bookstore and got some great ones to add to the children's collection in our home library!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that I get to spend with my child in my arms and my husband on my lap. It's complete bliss. I love it. And yes, all the pain and terror and fear? Completely worth it. :)
Our baby Tesla-Saurus!
Since last time I blogged, I had my baby! I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th. 28 hours of labor, whew! But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful. I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that. Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up. This is for him. :)
Something I like about myself:
I have fabulous breasts. And now they're functional!
Something I do well:
I am apparently really good at making freezer meals. I had never done that before I got a wild hair up my ass last week that said, "MAKE FREEZER MEALS." Yes, omnipotent, strange voice!
Something that went well today:
My sister and brother-in-law are in town from Winnipeg to see the baby. I am hoping that we will not get the baby sick with our outings. She is absolutely perfect, I couldn't ask for more - we just need to keep her healthy as long as possible. I would just be beside myself if she got sick from any visitors or because I left the house.
BUT, we went to the bookstore and got some great ones to add to the children's collection in our home library!
Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that I get to spend with my child in my arms and my husband on my lap. It's complete bliss. I love it. And yes, all the pain and terror and fear? Completely worth it. :)
Our baby Tesla-Saurus!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)