5/7/2016

Hello, all!

Since last time I blogged, I had my baby!  I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th.  28 hours of labor, whew!  But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful.  I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that.  Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up.  This is for him.  :)
Readers, I have tragic news.

My mother committed suicide on the 5th.  Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news.  My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby.  I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.

I am in absolute shock.  I don't feel like saying anything positive.  I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness.  I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week.  For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me.  For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me.  I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her.  I got no answer.

And I knew.  I fucking knew it.  Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then?  Why didn't I call on Monday?  Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?

Just...why?

For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations. 

Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.

Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.

Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died.  I didn't flip out.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death.  My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones.  Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.

So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.