9/26/2016

I have decided to start my blog again, and at the end of this week, I will be adding some more things to it.  I want to reach some pretty high milestones this year, and dwelling in the pain of this past year is not quite worth the stress and time.  I must move on.  My mother will still be gone tomorrow, and my daughter will be here instead.  This is for Tesla.  Love to all!

Something I like about myself:
I know how to be motivated when the time is right.

Something I do well:
I am an exceptional audiologist, and I am proud of it.

Something that went well today:
Today I acquired three beautiful orchids for my office; Audrey, Seymour, and Schlargen Flargen Dixon-Smith.  They are my indoor garden!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to see a coworker I have not seen in a week, and I anticipate that a source of stress at work will be eliminated imminently.

5/10/2016

Something I like about myself:
I am strong when dealing with things that are uncomfortable.

Something I do well:
I can bathe my baby in the sink one-handed!

Something that went well today:
Today I learned a bit more about my mom's last few weeks and it solidified that she resolved to end her life long before I could have done something about it.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will have survived another day.  And my mother in law is coming into town - it should be a good visit.

5/9/2016

Something I like about myself:
I am a professional person.

Something I do well:
I can answer the door with a baby in one arm and still look relatively awake and sane.

Something that went well today:
Today I didn't have to break the news to a lot of people; one person I called already knew.  It was such a blessing to have that reprieve.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will hopefully have more answers.

5/8/2016

Something I like about myself:I am... strong in the face of adversity.

Something I do well:
I am good at being diplomatic when experiencing extreme trauma.

Something that went well today:
Today I had several visitors.  As an introvert this kind of thing horrifies me.  But I handled all the hustle and bustle well, I think.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is not Mothers' Day.

5/7/2016

Hello, all!

Since last time I blogged, I had my baby!  I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th.  28 hours of labor, whew!  But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful.  I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that.  Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up.  This is for him.  :)
Readers, I have tragic news.

My mother committed suicide on the 5th.  Police officers and a chaplain came to my door on Friday to deliver the news.  My sister, my only sister, was here in town to help me with the new baby.  I am so happy she was here beside me so that I didn't have to tell her over the phone, and that she could hear it firsthand as I did.

I am in absolute shock.  I don't feel like saying anything positive.  I am a mixture of emotions, from hatred to anger and love and sadness.  I feel guilt for knowing something was wrong with her this week.  For telling my husband and his best friend on Monday night that she sounded awfully suicidal and it scared me.  For talking to her on Wednesday and insisting that she went to her doctor's appointment on Thursday, hopeful that she would get the help she needed and/or would call me.  I received a box of family photos and old baby things on Thursday, and I called her.  I got no answer.

And I knew.  I fucking knew it.  Why didn't I call the police for a welfare check right then?  Why didn't I call on Monday?  Why didn't I call her an ambulance or ask her if she had a plan?

Just...why?

For the sake of my sanity, for the high possibility of PTSD from this even, for the high possibility of MS flare afterwards, for the high possibility of postpartum anxiety and depression, for the sake of my daughter and my wonderful husband - I must continue with the affirmations. 

Something I like about myself:
I am resilient.

Something I do well:
I can have great conversation with strangers.

Something that went well today:
Today I had to call several people and deliver the news that my mother had died.  I didn't flip out.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be one more day away from the horrific event of my mother's death.  My daughter turned 1 week old today, and we couldn't even have real joy for her first bath, or other first milestones.  Mom managed to give me one last 'fuck you' by offing herself, in a way I didn't think my mother was capable of doing, three days before Mothers' Day, less than a week after my baby was born.

So yes, tomorrow is another day moved forward.

5/6/2016

Hello, all!

Since last time I blogged, I had my baby!  I went into labor at midnight on April 28/29th, spontaneously, and my baby Tesla Poe was born at 4:04 AM on April 30th.  28 hours of labor, whew!  But I didn't need to be induced, which was wonderful.  I had a hell of a birth, it will make a long story someday, but I don't want to focus on that.  Needless to say, I have not had a lot of time to update things like this, and there are more important things :) but I don't want to fall out of the habit, since my husband needs me to stay strong in myself so that I don't have to lean on him to lift me up.  This is for him.  :)

Something I like about myself:

I have fabulous breasts.  And now they're functional!

Something I do well:
I am apparently really good at making freezer meals.  I had never done that before I got a wild hair up my ass last week that said, "MAKE FREEZER MEALS."  Yes, omnipotent, strange voice! 

Something that went well today:
My sister and brother-in-law are in town from Winnipeg to see the baby.  I am hoping that we will not get the baby sick with our outings.  She is absolutely perfect, I couldn't ask for more - we just need to keep her healthy as long as possible.  I would just be beside myself if she got sick from any visitors or because I left the house.
BUT, we went to the bookstore and got some great ones to add to the children's collection in our home library!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that I get to spend with my child in my arms and my husband on my lap.  It's complete bliss.  I love it.  And yes, all the pain and terror and fear?  Completely worth it.  :)

Our baby Tesla-Saurus!

4/28/2016

Something I like about myself:

I like french toast.  Mmmm.

Something I do well:
I am fairly flexible - even when I'm 41 weeks pregnant!  I painted my toenails today - it was a feat, but I did it, they're beautiful.

Something that went well today:
At this point, any day that I can get out of bed is a feat.  I almost wet the bed this morning, no joke.  I have been tied to the couch for most of the day, simply because I am exhausted.  It feels almost like MS fatigue, I am praying it's just because of this cold/pregnancy rhinitis/whatever, I've had a cough all night/day, throat pain as well from mucus.  I'm just generally run down.  So getting up to pain my nails was a great accomplishment!  I also was able to get rid of the bags of clothes for donation out of my living room, so it's pretty clean.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I start the induction process.  To be honest, I'm terrified.  I hate pain and they're going to have to put gel on my cervix - which means someone will have to touch my hoo-ha.  I don't know if any woman ever has an experience with the OB (or people of the like) and doesn't feel like it's total torture, but I know I do.  I'm very anxious.

Since I was a kid, pregnancy has scared me.  Not just because of the "life is changing forever" thing, but because I used to dream that I would die in childbirth.  So, seeing as that's happening this weekend whether I'm ready or not, I'm very scared.

I hate that there's already a "mommy war" going on inside my head.  I have let so many women stray me from the original plan - - so much so, that I actually feel guilty for being induced.  Guilty, at 41 weeks + 4 days, of induction.  That's not okay.  It is fine to be induced past the due date.  It is especially fine to be induced past the due date when you have a chronic illness that should have been addressed four or five months ago.  I'm afraid of what will happen after birth.  I already have visitors coming less than a week from tomorrow.  I will be back at work the first week of June, which gives me so little time with my newborn that it makes me cry.  All these things are "mommy war" losing strikes.

Did I mention that because I'm being induced that I've decided to get an epidural?  This will NOT make me a bad mom!  This will make me a SMART mom.  I know I cannot handle the kind of pain Pitocin causes - and I want to be prepared for that.  I want to be prepared for anything that I can, if it's pain or C-section, I don't want to be panicked at the very end.  I want to be prepared.  And I certainly don't want to feel guilty for being scared.  I'm not less of a woman for being scared!

I also can't breastfeed for more than a couple of weeks, and my child will likely be primarily bottle fed.  Everyone keeps referring me to these breastmilk banks - I feel so strange looking at them.  Unless my child is very sick, I'm confident she'll be fine on my colostrum and then formula.  I was a formula kid, and was a sick kid, but my parents also smoked.  I also have Eustachian tube dysfunction - contrary to popular belief, many babies get ear infections because of ETD, not because they were or were not breast fed.  Seriously.  Stop the madness, and STOP BLAMING MOMS.

I know this battle is just beginning.  I am fucking terrified of the next few days.  You won't likely be hearing from me until then!
But, shhhh, internet friends - I am letting you in on a secret.  I've already made a little outfit for my girl to take her 'baby reveal' pictures in.  Hope you love it, she's our little "dinosaur baby"! 

4/22/16 - 4/27/16

Seriously five days???

Something I like about myself:
I can handle deadlines.  Like, with a sense of urgency.

Something I do well:
I m a good speed painter - not many people can create quality work in a few hours.

Something that went well today:
Augh, I am still pregnant.  I'm in intermitten pain off and on and no further along.  So the best thing lately is I've been able to make cute creations for my baby and freezer meals.  And a kickass pan of frosted brownies, mmmmm.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I could have real contractions and no more pain without gain!!! 

4/20/2016 - 4/21/2016

Something I like about myself:
I can buckle down and get things done when I need to.
I have a tendency to stay almost too cool-headed when I should be panicking.

Something I do well:
I can sort laundry quickly.  It's the little things.
I try to let others know when I am thinking about them.

Something that went well today:
Wednesday, the 20th, was my baby's due date.  Obviously, she is not here yet.  It was a really scary day.  I went to the OB, am only dilated to "a tight 2 cm" (I think she was being generous) and my belly "shrank" from 36 cm to 32 cm.  I was very concerned.  We ended up having an ultrasound last night, with a caveat that if they didn't like what they saw that I would be whisked up to labor and delivery.
We ended up coming home, she looks fine, and is just "a little on the small side."  Her weight estimate is 6 lbs 11 ounces, I don't know where they get that this is particularly small as I don't think it's really abnormal for babies to be much bigger than 7 1/2 pounds - but obviously I have never made a baby before.  She is proportional so I am not concerned.  But now we are more anxious than ever.
Today I just did laundry and tried to be active.  I don't know how much being sentient might delay birth - really I don't.  But I'm too tired to do a lot of exercise or walking..

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is the full moon.  Keep your fingers crossed that she is just waiting for the full moon, and will be joining us this weekend!

4/19/2016

Something I like about myself:
I try my hardest to be patient.

Something I do well:
I am empathetic to others' struggles and needs.
I am not happy with myself today with how I act around my friend's four-year-old.  She's four.  She's exhausting.  I really love my friend and all her kids, but I don't have the energy for her four-year-old these days.  I hope that I can change and be more lively for her, because all that little girl wants to do is play with me, and I have an "I don't wanna" attitude.  I've always preferred playing alone or with my sister so I don't understand the "I want to play with an adult" thing that she has.  I'm a little ashamed and will try to be better.

Something that went well today:
Today I went to the park with my friend and her kids, then to another friend's house to talk about birth (she is a doula) and then to the grocery store.  Baby moving a lot today.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, hoping that I will be dilated past 2 cm!

4/17/2016 - 4/18/2016

Something I like about myself:
I am open-minded.
I believe that people are inherently good.

Something I do well:
I bake great snickerdoodles and their variants.
I can read music.

Something that went well today:
Sunday, I slept until 11!
Today, I went to the park and had lunch with Steve.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world...as usual.  But now I think she wants to wait for the full moon, so we shall see!

4/16/2016, Pregnancy and Being Grateful

Addendum to earlier posting: I have discovered a giant, painful sit in the middle of my chin.  It sprouted since noon.  OY!

...

I'm going to just take a minute to make a blog posting about things that I am grateful for in this pregnancy, because at 39 weeks and 4 days along, I am having a harder and harder time feeling beautiful, motherly, and healthy.
So many things have gone wrong during my pregnancy - so many things that have made me feel like I am not cut out for this, that pregnancy is not for me, that this will be my only one.  I don't know yet if I am certain of that.  But I want to document the other things that have NOT gone wrong, to put things in perspective for myself, and for others who need hope through hard pregnancies and medical circumstances.

1) I am grateful that I did not struggle with fertility.  We were able to conceive this little girl on our first try, officially.  Seeing how my MS (the most likely culprit for half-blindness) has panned out, I am afraid that being off meds for any longer than was absolutely necessary would have been an even worse situation.  I stopped my MS meds, anti-depressants, and birth control 2 months before we officially 'tried,' and were successful with that one go.  It was the worst sex we had ever had (boo) haha, because we were so anxious.  But we were spared so much heartache in the wait that I have seen so many friends go through.

2) I am grateful that my baby was not sick in the beginning, contrary to what I thought.  I was so worried with all the spotting that something was wrong, even convinced that I lost the baby at around 5 weeks.  What a heartbreaking feeling - for a woman who was never really sure if I wanted to have children, nothing made me want the baby more than thinking I had lost it.

3) I am grateful for only mild morning sickness.  Yeah, I called it "all day sickness," and it was miserable while it lasted because I lost my appetite completely and just felt "off," it could have been so much worse.

4) I am grateful for no classic "complications."  As much discomfort as I've been in, I never got debilitating symptoms that kept me from working.  I was never put on bed rest.  I was never bleeding so much to be concerned for my placenta, was never forced to go home from work, only had mild-moderate headaches.  I didn't have high blood pressure.  I didn't have terrible anemia (though I did start taking supplements again at the end).  I didn't have gestational diabetes.  For all that I have felt like hell through this pregnancy, none of the "feeling like hell" has been dangerous to the baby.

5) I am grateful that my baby cooperated at the 20 week ultrasound.  I am fortunate that she cooperated then and we could see she was a girl.  If I still didn't know this late in the game, I think I would go insane!!  I don't know how some people do it!

6) I am grateful that I have carried to term.  I didn't have a premature baby.  I don't have a child that is underweight (at least, not that I can tell).  Every scan we've done and heartbeat check have been excellent.  She had a cyst in her choroid plexus of the brain at the 20 week ultrasound, but the condition that is usually indicative of would show many more signs if she had it - so it likely will just disappear.  I've had Braxton-Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, pretty strongly.  So being here at 39 weeks, though we're ready to be done, is a blessing.

7) I am grateful that I have not gained a huge amount of weight.  I am constantly told that I look "very small" for how far along I am, but I am actually right on track for how much weight I should have gained for someone of my stature and weight.  I saw the graph on my doctor's computer of my weight tracking - I'm right on "average!"

8) I am grateful that I have been able to wear a lot of my existing clothing.  Now, pregnancy pants are the best thing ever and I recommend everyone buy some (just don't wear only pregnancy pants for this long... I am so sick of them by now haha).  But I haven't had to replace all my undershirts, all my underwear, all my cardigans - I have bought about ten items just for pregnancy.  So fortunate.

9) I am grateful that my feet have not swollen.  Holy crap I am thankful for a lack of water retention. Only recently have I become "swollen" to a degree - I had to take off my wedding ring a few months ago because I swelled up at night, but I don't look bad.

10) I am grateful that all the problems I've dealt with that are not MS related have been easy to deal with.  Such as, not being able to sleep - right now this sucks and is painful, but I had a pregnancy pillow to help with me with the majority of the time to get comfortable.  I have had unbelievable congestion - thank goodness for Breathe Right nose strips!!  I have not had terrible mood swings.  I have not had super strange cravings (except at the beginning when pickles were one of the only things I could stomach!)

11) I am grateful to have a partner to help me through this.  I keep forgetting that so many women do this alone - without family support, without strength of a real partner.  Women who are victims of rape, of poor birth control, of abusive relationships.  My heart goes out to them.  My husband just jokingly beat up on my foot because it was "in the way," but I think I'll tolerate his playful "slapping" on my feet in exchange for a real foot massage later :)

12) I am grateful to have a job.  I have means to take care of my child.  It will be tight for us, it will be very hard to make ends meet.  But it will be possible.  So many people cannot make ends meet and take care of their children.  I will be able to buy the formula we will need to feed her, because I won't be able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks before I go back on medication.  We have a home, a crib, and clothing.  So much to be thankful for.

13) I am grateful for my own strength to make it this far and not break down.  I have emotionally had so many things to contend with during this pregnancy - but I have persevered.  I am looking to the future and not feeling stuck.  I may not always feel this way, but right now, I am optimistic and excited!

14) I am grateful for being prepared.  I am grateful that my baby was planned.  I have loved my child since the moment I saw the "Pregnant" on that little digital stick.  And I will love her forever, for better or worse.  So many people don't feel this way.  I had no hesitation to tell people.  I had no problems being excited for the unknown.  I had no issues with buying baby things, or pregnancy pants, or new skin care products because I broke out (and still am, oy).  I have felt like this is the right time, that we waited for a good moment, that we are as prepared as we are ever going to be.

For all these things, I am grateful.  Don't forget that even in the storm, you can be thankful for the shelter.  Love all!

4/16/16

Something I like about myself:
I am ambitious.

Something I do well:
I love all my kitties equally :)

Something that went well today:
Today, when I woke up, I didn't notice any more painful cystic zits than I did yesterday.  Sometimes, it's the little things.
(I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over so I might get my freaking skin back)

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world.  And it is the first Sunday that I will not have to be exhausted over having to go back to work the next day!!

4/15/2016

Something I like about myself:
I like spicy foods!

Something I do well:
I come prepared when I need to be.

Something that went well today:
Today I went to the doctor and met with the person who gave me an overview of what I missed from birthing classes; I have a lot to learn, but I'm glad I came with questions.  I also got a little bit of sleep last night, I no longer feel like I am in back labor :( but at least I got a little bit of rest!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow is another day that my girl could come into the world - and would be a good birthdate!  Come on, baby Tesla!!

(No, I did not name my child after a car....) :) 

4/14/16

I might be in back labor.
I got no sleep last night.
This is the capacity of my brain...that is all!  :)

4/13/2016

Something I like about myself:
I don't like to leave loose ends.

Something I do well:
I am always considerate to coworkers when I am in an office environment.

Something that went well today:
Today was my last day of work before maternity leave - I officially cannot work until June 1st!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I will get to meet with a 'midwife'-like person at Kaiser to discuss things that I missed when I couldn't sign up for a pregnancy class.  OY! 

4/11/2016 - 4/12/2016

Something I like about myself:
I answer people quickly when I can.
I have a conscience.

Something I do well:
I don't leave things half-finished if I can help it.
I have yet to forget some of the most basic things about piano.

Something that went well today:
Monday... I didn't hurt anyone at my job, and while I may not have made my prospective patient the happiest person on Earth, I got through the appointment.
Today, I DID make a patient very happy, and I will likely be the one completing his fitting in June when I go back to work.

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be my last day of work before maternity leave!

4/10/2016

Something I like about myself:
I like to keep a clean environment (even though I can relax in a total disaster, haha!)

Something I do well:
I am a good cook - even with things I haven't made in a long time!

Something that went well today:
Well, today was pretty uneventful.  I talked on the phone with my mom for 1 hour and 15 minutes and neither of us yelled or cried!!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!
And I have a patient at 11 that I am PRAYING I will make happy.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! 

4/7/2016 - 4/9/2016

We are so anxious for baby to arrive that I can't stand it!  Hard to think about anything else.  Here's my catch up from the last few days :)

Something I like about myself:
I try to keep private things to myself, but I am an open book.  I think this is a good thing.
I don't hold grudges against others - even when it might benefit me to do so.
I like that I enjoy cheesy tv shows like "Say Yes to the Dress."

Something I do well:
I give credit where credit is due.
I don't miss opportunities to thank (at least, I don't think I do, if you think I have wronged you then I am sorry!)
I can learn things on my own.

Something that went well today:
On Thursday, I had a doctors appointment with a new physician - and it was so much better than my other doctor.  I want to switch now.  And that's okay.  I am dilated to 1 cm - as of Thursday, anyway!
On Friday, it was my birthday - I am now 28 years old!
Today, we found the cutest onesie for our baby Tess.  I keep losing mucus and having off and on contractions - I am so hopeful that we'll have her soon (and I won't have to go back to work - - love you, patients, but I feel really done!)

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
This will pretty much be my answer every day until it happens - I hope I go into labor today/tomorrow!

4/5/16 - 4/6/2016

Okay, folks, I have to level with you.
I did not have a great day yesterday.  I actually had a fairly decent day objectively, but I'm really struggling with my MS.  Last night I thought I was losing vision in my left eye - the 'good one,' and it's terrifying.  I am still pregnant, and therefore, can't be treated until my daughter is born.  I'm scared that I'll lose something else before she arrives.  I'm scared I won't be able to handle it.  There's a lot of fear in my mind.  So I'm being realistic, and skipping Tuesday's (4/5/16) posting.  Please forgive me, I am human, and sometimes I need a breather from even thinking positive.

Something I like about myself:
I am open to new ideas and things.

Something I do well:
I go above and beyond for patients when my intuition tells me something is wrong.

Something that went well today:
Today I got the last few things we've been needing for baby - a changing pad, and some cleaning supplies.  It's very close.  I'm terrified, but mostly excited!

Something I am looking forward to tomorrow:
Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment - here's to hoping that it goes better than last time!!  I'm seeing a different doctor, which is somewhat odd.  I hope to talk with her about why my original practitioner can't see me, or what's going on with her.  Clearly something was up last time.